|| useless ||

I'm in a rut.

A bad one.

And I'm really sick of being in it.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending every weekend with Kady. She's seriously the best friend I've ever had and I love every minute spent with her, no homo. But I'm really fed up with everything and everybody right now.

When I first moved here, I feel like people liked me. I think it was the whole new girl thing: a fresh face, a new person to get to know. I felt so important. I felt like my existence was acknowledged, and that people really did enjoy my company. But so much has changed. I don't think anyone cares to have me around anymore. And I wish I knew what I did to make things go sour. It was probably all the things I didn't do. I don't hang out in the courtyard after school, I don't put myself out there quite as much as some people do, I just don't really care that much. That's what it comes down to. I just don't care to go out of my way to impress people. I cared for too long back in Alpine. I cared so much that it took a huge toll on me. And when I moved here, I told myself I wouldn't let people's opinions get in the way of my own happiness. And this year, I haven't stressed out about impressing people, or being something I'm not. After losing my boy last year, I saw a side of life I hadn't seen before. I saw a deeper purpose in this life than the four years of hell that we call high school. I looked past these four years and what is to come after all of this dust settles. I have an angel to live for now. My #1 priority for the rest of my life is to live to please my boy while I'm still on this earth and he's up in the clouds. Call me crazy, but I don't think that worrying about other people's social lives is something that Devin is really pushin' for me to do here. I just know what I want after high school, I know where I want to be and I don't really care to dilly dally around about stupid, irrelevant things.

But still, I don't care how headstrong a person is, EVERYONE wants to feel like they're cared for. And I just don't. I'm sick of these people who put on a show for everyone. I just want to go on a long drive with someone special, and have a real, GENUINE conversation. I not only want to feel important, but I want to make someone else feel important. Cause feeling unimportant, it's the most lousy feeling in this whole entire world. No one deserves to feel it. It's terrible.

But, nevertheless, it's how I feel tonight.

I need somebody to reach out. Maybe I need to branch out. I just need something to make me feel like there IS someone, besides Kady, who wants me in their life. Cause right now, I just feel like a waste of space- and a useless one at that.