special sunday funday

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Today was a pretty good Sunday.
I always hated Sunday's growing up. It was just church and naps all day and I didn't like it one bit. But I'm really starting to enjoy church now. I've realized how much I need God to get me through this life. I have always tried to deal with things on my own without anyone's help, I always thought I could do everything on my own, but I know now more than ever that I will NOT make it out alone. I must have God in my life to be happy and to accept life for what it is, even when it's everything but easy.

In church today, we had the annual primary program. All of the kids under 12 years old go up on the stand. They sing songs, read scriptures, stand at the microphone and give 30 second talks or bear their innocent little testimonies that their mom's helped them write. It was always just a cute, funny little thing to me growing up. Especially when I was the age that I was in the primary program, it was just not a big deal to me. We sang some songs for the congregation, they laughed when something funny happened, and then we all went home and took naps. That's really all it was to me at the time. But this primary program really hit me today. Watching these kids sing about their father in heaven, seeing the absolute light and innocence in their eyes, they made me want to be better. They're so young, their lives have hardly started. They have no idea the trials and afflictions they will face in the next decades. But regardless, they have absolute faith in Jesus Christ and their Heavenly Father. They love the Son of God and God himself, whether they're 11 or 5 years old. It really made me realize it's not about being like the 50 year olds who read the entire Book of Mormon within a month, even though that's so amazing and definitely an accomplishment to be proud of. But it's okay to be more like the kids in primary who can't even read a chapter book. Their faith is so prominent, and they probably don't even know the meaning of the word.

I love God. So so much. I love that no matter what, I'm not alone. After both Brandon and Devin died, I felt more alone than I ever have in my life. I felt inadequate, like I could have prevented something but I wasn't good enough to do so. I didn't feel like anyone saw how much I was hurting. But now, looking back in hindsight, I am fascinated to know that I was never alone. I was never completely inadequate. Someone DID know how much I was hurting, and He layed with me every night as I cried. I know for a fact that I have never been and never will be inadequate in the eyes of my Savior. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that I have that He loves me. It really makes it so much easier for me to love others when I know that God loves everybody, regardless of mistakes and imperfections.

Well, with that said, goodnight everyone. XOXO


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Yes, guys, yes. I'm FINALLY 17.
No, it's not 18. But I'm done with wishing my life away. Yesterday I realized that life's too short for that. I'll be 18 when I'm 18. Right now, I'm 17. And I'm so happy about it.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was such an awesome day. I woke up at 5 a.m. for dance, which was actually not so awesome. But the girls made me cookies and gave me cards and big hugs and sang to me. I loved it. Dance has blessed me with so many great friends and I love my dance girls so much. I went home after dance and just skipped school. So rebellious, I know. Bad mamma jamas over here. My two best friends, Kady and Alisha came and layed in my parents big bed with me. We watched Dr. Phil and took naps together. We joked, we laughed, we ate, we had such a great time together doing nothing. We always do.

Kady and Alisha went to Kady's house and I went to 8th period. I'm the manager for my high school's boys basketball team. The boys all sang to me and I, of course, blushed. I do have quite the problem with blushing lately. After basketball class, I went to watch more basketball while my dad's team practiced. Why would I want to waste time watching a college basketball team practice on my birthday, you ask? I love basketball so much. And I love my dad even more. I love to watch him do what he loves. I'm so proud of him and watching him coach brings me happiness, even when he's in scary coach mode.

Kady and Alisha took me to dinner. We went to a burger joint because we're low maintenance and we don't want to spend big bucks on food. Then we went up to the Y mountain together and sat on the rocks. It was in that moment that I realized just how lucky I am. I live in such a beautiful little college town with breathtaking views from the mountains, and when the leaves change, it's even better. We drove around for a while and then went to my house. My friend Lindsay was there and my mom had made cake and ice cream. Some of the basketball team showed up and I was so happy to see them when they walked in. I was really quite flattered that these cute boys wanted to spend a night at my house eating cake. We played the piano and I loved listening to people play. I sang and played for them. I'm sure I blushed, and I'm sure I wasn't very good. But they listened and I smiled. I hugged them and they left. What a great day I had. I was grinning from ear to ear when I got into my cozy bed. I was almost asleep when someone jumped on me and put a blanket over my head and pulled me out of bed.


Not gonna lie, I was pretty scared. The first words that came out of my mouth were "Wait.. whoa whoa whoa I'm not wearing pants." Those probably weren't the wisest choice in words when I was being taken out of bed by someone unknown to me at the time. But no need to worry, it was just Kady and Alisha. "There's one hour until your birthday's over. Let's end this right!!" They drove around and my head was under the blanket. I had no idea of my whereabouts and I was so confused. We got out of the car and I saw red benches. That's when I knew we were at iHop. I laughed and acted like it was so predictable, but I was so humbled in that moment. Those girls had school the next morning, but they were at iHop with me 'til midnight.

I learned a lot being 16. It was definitely a year of learning, not always the easy way, but I learned so much in the past year. I grew up a lot, I dealt with some hard things, and I had SO many amazing experiences that I'm so grateful for. I'm so excited for 17. It's gonna be such a fun year. It definitely started off with a great birthday, thanks to the sweet boys who stopped by, my parents, my dance friends, and especially my two best friends. I'm so lucky to have so many people who love me. It never ceases to amaze me how much God has blessed me.

Thanks to all of you who made my birthday so great. I'm genuinely grateful for all of you. And huge thanks to my best friends, I love you ladies more than I can even say.

And that's a wrap for tonight.

Sweet dreams y'all. 

busy busy bee

Sunday, September 23, 2012

September is busy. SO busy. School, birthdays, getting up at 5 am for early morning dance, homework, homecoming shopping, trying to stay sane, for obvious reasons. I'm one tired girl. But I'm one happy girl. And I am very grateful for that.
Homecoming was last night. I had the greatest time. My date, Colton, was darling. He's such a cute kid. My group was so fun and I love that we all got along so well. It's fascinating to me that at my high school, you can put pretty much anyone in a group together and you'll usually all get along. We're lucky that we have such cool kids to go to high school with.

My birthday is coming up and I am seriously giddy about it. I can't believe I'll be 17 in two days. It seems like just yesterday, my mom and I were singing 7 Years by Norah Jones while driving around Alpine. That was our song when I was 7 years old. It didn't mean nearly as much to me then as it does now in hindsight. When I listen to it, it instantly takes me back to the days when we lived in that little house in Alpine and drove that old, white Volvo. I'd sit in the front seat and put my feet up on the dash, leaving little toe prints on the passengers side of the window. I loved listening to Norah Jones with my momma. I grew up with not only a great mother, but a great friend. She's always been there for me, even when I didn't in the least bit deserve it. I wouldn't be seeing 17 this week if it weren't for her. She's really such an amazing woman, and I thank God every day that He sent me to her.

Little Anna turned 7 last week. How crazy is that? I can't believe she's already that old. She's still a little girl, but she  really is growing up so fast. Now I can see why mothers don't want their kids to grow up. I feel a sense of responsibility when it comes to Anna, being her only big sister role model, and I can't stand thinking of her growing up just like me. Two of me would be a scary thing, indeed.

Anywho, sorry for the couple of days without a post. Like I said, it's been quite busy around here. But it's definitely time for my Sunday nap. I'll post homecoming and birthday pictures ASAP.



Sunday, September 16, 2012

Solitude is basically how I spent my weekend. It was really nice. There's been a lot on my mind and being alone has done some good for me. I'm really just so sick of everyone. I'm sick of mean girls, stupid boys, immature teenagers who think being mean to other people is okay. I'm sick of my mind racing everyday from one thing to another, keeping my anxiety levels at an all time high.
On Friday night, I got almost 11 hours of sleep. I left the Provo High football game early, picked up my brother from his friends and went straight to bed. I woke up Saturday, went to a yard sale, worked out, went home and took a 3 hour nap.
All I want to do lately is sleep.
It's so nice. My brain isn't awake to think myself into anxiety, I don't have to deal with anyone or anything. I'm just gone for a couple of hours. It's great. If I could sleep forever, I would. But unfortunately that's not going to happen.
Well folks, now that I've talked about sleeping, it sounds great. Goodnight y'all.

the impact of a poster

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Today has been interesting.
I went to school which was... eh, school.
I went to lunch with my best friends which was great.
I went and hung out with a cute boy for a little while which was fabulous.
I curled my best friend's sister's hair for her engagement photos.
I went and watched them get their engagements done and dreamed about the day I found a boy who not only adores me, but who I will spend the rest of my life with.
But my mind has been racing all week. Thankfully, there have been lots of moments when I was having a great time and was very content. And I'm so grateful for those moments. I have my best friends to thank for them. But in the back of my mind has been one thing. It's been over 7 months since Brandon passed away.

I can't believe it's been that long already. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I'll never forget that feeling I had when I got that dreadful phone call. I can't stop thinking about him this week. It's been 7 months, I should have complete closure by now. But I don't. I can't get over the fact that for the last 7 months, he could have been around. He could have been with his friends having an amazing senior year. And I can't help but to feel guilt. EXTREME guilt, to the point of anxiety. I could have called him up out of the blue and asked how he was doing. I could have driven to Alpine and passed his house to see him skating, I could have gotten out of my car and talked to him. Maybe I could have even simply written on his Facebook wall. I could have made a difference. I should have. If someone would have done something, maybe he would still be here with us today. I could have been that someone. But I wasn't. No one was. And now he's gone. Maybe because he felt worthless, maybe because he gave up. And that's what kills me the most. We will never know why he decided to leave us. All I know is I wish I could have saved everyone the heartache, and more importantly, I wish I could have saved his beautiful, priceless life.

So in my week of endless guilt and wandering thoughts, I've had a poster hanging on my desk in my bedroom. At my church, when there is a girl who has a birthday month, they hang up a poster with the birthday girl's name on it and each girl in the group writes something to the birthday girl. I didn't think much of it when I received it on Sunday. But tonight, I came home and sat on my bed, my head spinning. Then I looked at the paper and read all the notes from the sweet girls. My feelings of guilt were completely washed away with feelings of love and appreciation. I'm so grateful for such sweet girls who make me feel like I'm worth the world. My paper is hung on my desk with some of the things that I love.
My lion pillow pet.
My teddy bear the hospital gave me on one of my many MANY visits.
My kitty cat stuffed animal that the hospital also gave me.
My straw fedora that I love.

"I love Aly! Her smile lights up the entire room. I love the way that she doesn't care what people think about her. Her voice is amazing and she is just so wonderful."

"Aly! I love you. You are so funny and I love how you are yourself. I also love how you love cats so much. It makes me laugh."

"I love you Aly! You are so much fun to be with and just so full of energy all the time. I love you talking to you about boys or anything really. You have a gorgeous voice and an insane talent for writing music. I just really like you, a lot. You are absolutely stunning. I love you!!"

Reading these messages made my week. Despite my difficult week, despite my inner battles and trying to forgive myself for such a heavy burden, I can still manage to go to bed extremely grateful. Why? Because I have great friends. I have an amazing family. I am so blessed and so loved. Tomorrow is Friday. And I know that the last 7 months have been absolute paradise for Brandon, even though they've been everything but paradise for me.

Hopefully this positive mindset sticks. And this post is turning into overanalyzing, which we all know is never good for me. Just one of those things you need to get off your chest, and it's easy to do over a blog with readers you don't even know. :)

 Anywho, I have lots of crazy things to tell you all tomorrow.


my little angel ♡

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

As I drove to school yesterday, I turned on the radio in hopes that it would be ANYTHING but Pitbull. The radio DJ announced a new song by Taylor Swift called Ronan. It sounded interesting, so I listened to it. One verse into the song, I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Yesterday was September 10th.

Not a very significant day for most of you, I'm sure. But it was for me.

One year ago from yesterday was Devin's last birthday here on this earth. I can't believe it's been almost a year already. I miss him so much, it's indescribable. I can't believe he would have been 16 already. He never seemed that old to me. To me, he was always the sweet, innocent little boy he was in elementary school. Never any older.

For everyone who hasn't read my earlier posts about Dev, he was one of the greatest friends I ever had. He developed a brain tumor at 2 years old and had surgery which caused him to be blind his whole life. My seventh grade year, he was diagnosed with cancer again- this time, in his bones. He fought so hard. Watching him every day taught me more than he ever knew. I loved the way he knew who I was by the sound of my voice. I loved walking him to lunch. I loved teaching him how to play the recess games in grade school. I loved putting my hands on his, showing him the movements of shooting a basketball. I loved his laugh; everything was funny. He lit up my life every day that I had the blessing to be with him.

On November 19th, 2011, Devin's life ended. I was heartbroken. It absolutely tore me to pieces. For weeks, I couldn't get through a few hours without a breakdown. We had anticipated his death for years, he had been sick for so long. But somehow, it still took me months to come to terms with the fact that Devin was really gone. Even now as I type this, tears keep falling on the keyboard. But I realized that even though that sweet boy deserved none of the trials God gave him, he fought through. God gave him tribulation because He knew that if anyone could push through, it was Devin. I'm so grateful I can look back and rejoice this darling boy's life. It was a short, fragile life, but it was beautiful. It was innocent.

So yesterday, in honor of Dev, I had cake. We sang happy birthday to him and blew kisses up towards the sky. I would have loved to see him turn 16, but I know how much happier he is now. It would be awful of me to wish him back here in the form that he was. I know he's so happy now.

Heaven must be a beautiful place; wherever it is, whoever is there. It's got to be just wonderful. And Devin must be the happiest little boy.

I love you more than words can even say. I would give anything to see you again, to put a plastic school fork to your lips and feed you, to place my hands on yours and shoot a basket. I miss your fuzzy red sweater. I miss sitting on the parade route at Alpine Days and gathering candy for you. I miss everything about you. I miss you so much. There's never a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind. But I am so grateful that you are at ease. I thank God every day that He placed you in my life. Thank you for the countless lessons you taught me. I will never forget you.

I love you forever, my little angel.

Here is the song I heard on the radio yesterday morning. Beware: it's a tear jerker.

happy sabbath

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Why hello there, loves. It's Sunday. I like Sunday's. I like church, food, naps, more naps.

Today, I went to my friend Kam's mission farewell. He was called by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to serve a 2 year mission in Jamaica. I am so proud of him and his choice to serve. His talk was amazing, I had chills the whole time. I felt his testimony of his Lord and the sincerity in his words.

I can't believe I'm at the age that MY friends are actually going on missions. It's crazy to think about when I was younger and I watched missionary farewells in church. The boys were so grown up, and the girls that came were so pretty and old. It's hard to believe I'm actually at that age now. Time flies. Life goes by so fast.

happy sunday y'all. 

fall photoshoot

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Lots has happened this week.


It's late. I'm tired. And sleep sounds real nice at this very moment. So for now I will sum up the events of today and hopefully tomorrow I will get around to the events of the entire week. Today was a pretty fabulous day. I woke up, watched my daily Dr. Phil, cleaned the house, and went to a photoshoot. I got my photos about an hour ago and I must say it was probably the best shoot I've ever done. So so fun. I got to take one of my best friends with me and she kept me great company. I would say that overall, today was a dime.

Sleep tight, lovelies.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Today has been just like any other day. I sat through English class and didn't want it to end. I sat through all my other classes and wished I was in English class.

As I walked to the most dreaded class of the day in the old, smelly building us Provo bulldogs call "D Wing", I talked to a kid who has been in a couple of my classes. He's a great kid- very smart, hilarious, and he really REALLY loves US Government. Walking up the stairs, I complained to him that I would rather saw my own appendages off than attend US Government today. He replied expressing how much he loves the class and that he wishes every class was US Government.



Then I got thinking...

Isn't individuality beautiful? It really is fascinating to think that there are billions of people on this earth, and we are ALL DIFFERENT. We all find interest in different things, we all look different, we all have different backgrounds.

We are all different; but we ALL feel.

Everyone in the world has emotion. It's probably one of the only things that every single one of us on this earth share. We all share passion. Maybe not for the same things, but each and every one of us has a passion.

While I tuned my teachers monotone voice out, this long train of thought progressed. What makes ME feel? What are MY passions? I came up with countless answers to these questions, and if you darlings don't mind, I'm going to share with you a few of them.

There is nothing else that makes me feel as much as sitting at a piano does. There's just something about feeling the smooth, cold keys beneath your fingers and hearing a chord every time you do. It's amazing to hear yourself singing that song from the radio, knowing that the radio is shut off. Writing your own music though, THAT is where passion really hits you. Your feelings, your heart, written down on paper and played on an instrument. It's so special.
It makes me feel.

I've loved to dance since I could walk. Every time I dance, I do something with my body that I've never done before. To me, dance isn't just movement, it's discovery. You discover things about yourself you never knew before- things you can do, things you can feel.
It's exhilarating.
It makes me feel.

Obviously, I love to write. Why would I have  this blog if I didn't love it? Old news, Aly. Writing is one of the greatest forms of expression for me. There's never a wrong way to do it. 2 and 2 doesn't have to equal 4. It's all about interpretation, individuality, and capturing new things, thoughts, or perspectives to give to the people reading. I could write forever.
It's effortless.
It makes me feel.

and lastly...

I am not a high maintenance girl. If I would have told you that when I was little, I would be lying. As I've grown older, I've found such joy in simplicity. I've learned that it's not riches that are extravagant, it's life. Life is a fascinating thing and I try my best to enjoy it in any form God gives me. I love driving around with my brother listening to bubbly pop songs and yelling the wrong lyrics. I love weekends spend at home with my best girl friends watching movies and sharing secrets. I love Sunday's at church and the simplicity of the love that God has for each and every one of us. I love watching the trees in the beautiful mountains change from green to orange to bare. I love sitting on my porch smelling the rain and listening as it hits the pavement. The simple things that seem to go unnoticed day by day are the things that make me feel.

So now that I've yapped the passion right out of your body, I will bring these thoughts to a close with this.

Passion is an amazing thing. Having the ability to love and feel something so much is such a blessing. Take advantage of it. Do something to make you feel, because you deserve it.

Good evening, darlings.

♡ ♡ ♡ 

the sisters i never had

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

What a week, what a week. School has now started and I am officially an upperclassman! I am BEYOND excited to be so close to being done, but at the same time, I know that it just means I'm closer to having to grow up. That's a scary thing; growing up. Responsibilities, BIG GIRL ones. But if everyone else can man up and do it, I will manage. Somehow, someway- I will manage.

As summer 2012 came to a close, I looked back on all the fun I had. I'll never forget driving down the roads in the middle of no where on our way to the beach area of the lake, the endless snow cones, 2 a.m. iHop runs, the summer tunes we jammed to in my car, the gut wrenching laughs- the countless memories.

I wouldn't have had such an incredible summer without my best friends. I really do consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. I have an amazing family, beautiful mountains and blue skies painting me a paradise to wake up to every morning, a God who never leaves my side and who reminds me of my worth every single day. As if that's not blessed enough, that's not even where it ends. I have the most encouraging, supportive friends anyone could ever ask for. I can whole heartedly say that I do not know where I would be without my best girlfriends. I'm so grateful for the relationship we share and I know that we will always have each others backs. THAT is true friendship.

Thank you, to you wonderful girls. You are the sisters I never had and I thank God every morning and every night that He placed you ladies in my life. I'm a lucky girl. WE are lucky girls, to have each other, and I promise that will never change.

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