that four letter word

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Love is a complete mystery, don't you think? I still don't know if I believe in love. I am young, but I am an observer. I see things people don't. I've felt feelings that have changed my life.
For the better.
And for the worse.
On one hand, love is beautiful. It's acceptance, charity, selflessness, willingness to give up your everything for that one person.
It's the sparkley eyes that I see in my grandparents, even after 50 years.
It's the pack of ice our neighbor gave my brother when he broke his wrist.
It's the cup of hot chocolate a friend gave me.
It's the text my best friend sent me because only she could see what a low point I was at.
It's giving your whole life to one person, because YOU LOVE THEM.

Then again...

The word is thrown around these days like it's no big deal. So that's how I'm going to perceive it. No big deal. Maybe not even real. Love is a joke. It's a lie; a nightmare.

How can someone be so selfless as to love someone? It's only human nature to put yourself before everyone else. That's what we were made to do; survive this life on our own. Then this whole L-O-V-E word was thrown in and messed up the whole routine.

It's just a word that boys use to get what they want.
It's a word that girls say just so they can hear it said right back to them.
It's an emotion that everyone learned from watching cheesy Disney movies, and have maybe never felt themselves.

I believe that every human being has wants and pleasures. I believe in LUST.

But love?

Sure. Maybe love exists. But as for me, I think love is a lie.
The only love I've ever felt was a lie.
And that hurt.
Like hell.

I'll take some time, and a real special person, before I really believe in that four letter word.

something about these creatures

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

There's just something about birds that makes me think. They're so beautiful. The way they use their wings to swim through the air, it seems.
The way it looks so easy; so effortless.
All they need to do is fly and sing songs for us to hear. There is no worry in the world, nor is there a single burden to bare.
They sit on phone cables, merely watching the rest of the world's hustle and bustle.
But when they are done and through with watching us all, they just fly.
Free from the stress of us people.
Free from the weight of the world.
Free from the noise.
And they simply fly.
Not always on their own, they often have companions. Sometimes even flocks with dozens of them fly together. They are friends; a family. Never will they have to fly alone if they don't feel safe.
At times they are alone, but they are never lonely.
 The birds; they see everything we don't.
They have the power to look at situations, places, people, in different ways than us humans can even imagine.
And to think, WE feed the birds.
When really, THEY should be feeding us.
Feeding us with their knowledge of this world.
Besides, they're the ones with the "bird's eye view" on this earth.

I like to tell myself that Devin and Brandon, as well as other loved ones I have lost, are as birds now. Watching over all of us, everywhere, at once. Cheering for us on the telephone cables. They're free from the burdens of being the ground; free from gravity holding them down. They don't feel emptiness, nor do they feel loneliness. They have each other. Always. Whether they want to fly alone, or with one another. There is never a lonely moment, only silent. There is never an awkward silence, only tranquil. They're as pleasant as pleasant can be; as peaceful as peace is supposed to be. They're just chirping together in a place we call "the sky", when the reality is; they're in absolute heaven.

2011 in a really big, detailed nutshell

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Already 2012? Dang. That year flew by, it really did. It's funny; looking back, it went by so fast. But in the midst of it, time couldn't go slower. I learned a lot in 2011. I hate to complain but sometimes I feel like I learned a little more than needed in just one year. There were many experiences that made me grow and many that made me lose sight of who I am. I feel like this past year was one giant step forward and tons of little steps back.

 December 31, 2010
I was partying at Miss Taylor Rose's house. I was having the time of my life. I felt like I was on top of the world. New Years Eve, 2010. The coming year was going to be the best yet. I was determined to make it that way. And in my endeavor to accomplish that, I hung out with Provo kids. And I loved it. I loved being the new girl. I simply loved feeling loved.

May 2011
I had said goodbye to my friends the weekend before this day. Jake Ebert, Katie McWhorter, Addie Lamb; I said goodbye to all of them at Victoria's party. Then the moving day came. May 25, 2011. My family packed up our entire house and loaded it all in a big truck. We ordered pizza's for the neighbors who helped us move big, bulky furniture. We cried with them and thanked them for the 11 years of our lives prior to that day. My mom and I drove the big truck to our new home in Provo, Utah. We stopped at Starbucks and I got a venti Coconut Mocha frap. My mom cried the whole way there. "What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing?" She sobbed under her breath. I just sipped my frappucino and prayed to God that this really was right for us. That was a test of faith if I've ever had one.

 Saying bye to Jakey. He'll always be my #1 boy.
Saying bye to this kiddo. Jared is such a loser. We love him.  

June 2011
I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was told to do something, and it was not an option for me, personally, to disobey. I despised the situation. Complicated, I know. Probably much more complicated than it ever needed to be. But I was hurting a whole lot emotionally. I wrote lots of music throughout this time. I listened to a lot of music, too. It's certainly safe to say that music brought me through this time, as well as most of the year. Long story short, this part of my life was one of the most difficult I can remember and it almost hurts me just thinking about it.
The up side of this month though was seeing Kid Cudi in concert. My oh my that was the HIGHLIGHT of my whole entire summer. The feeling of being in that place full of smoke and nasty people was actually quite comforting. I felt like no one was judging me, everyone was there for a good time and to hear some good ol' Cudder music.
Cudder, my main man. <3

July 2011
I was lucky enough to go on a trip to the best place in the world, Boston, Massachusetts. I'm such a Boston girl but before this summer I had only been there when I was a little girl. I'm all Boston. Celtics, Red Sox, the whole shabang. So it really was like a dream come true to be able to go to Boston. My old school's boys basketball team happened to be playing in a tournament there so I had the chance to spend some time with them. They went with me to my first Red Sox game and yes, they witnessed me freaking out over seeing Big Papi in the flesh. I bonded a little bit with my dad throughout this trip as well. He was working for most of it, in fact the Lone Peak basketball boys spent a whole lot of time with me. They walked me around town and around the hotel so I wouldn't be raped by those creepy Boston men. But despite my dad working a lot, I did get some time in with him that I really needed. I'll never forget the experiences I had there with him, and the Lone Peak basketball boys of course. :)

 The city!

 My Lone Peak basketball boys. Minus Chase Hansen, who was kind enough to take the picture.

 Fenway First! What a dream.

September 10, 2011
My first date. Good Judas I couldn't believe I was even asked to homecoming as a sophomore, especially by a darling senior on the football team, Peter. He was such a gentleman to me and was quite the sweetheart. Our group was huge, 11 couples which meant 21 people in the group. Hannah Madsen and Jordan Tanner were our car buddies and we made it a blast. Definitely one of the most fun experiences I had during the year.
This day was also Devin's 15th birthday. He was my close friend who was battling bone cancer.
 My cute dress. I was so excited about this.

Hannah, Jordan, me, and my date Peter. Car group!

 I answered Peter to homecoming with these cute cupcakes. :)

September 25, 2011
My sixteenth birthday. Halla halla! I met Kemba Walker a couple of days before my birthday which was one of the greatest presents I could have ever gotten. I think the best part of this day was being able to say the number sixteen. I didn't feel different at all, maybe because I didn't get my license until October. But I really still just felt like Aly I guess. It was the fact that I could say I was sixteen that made me so excited. To be honest though, sixteenth birthdays are NOT all they're cracked up to be. I layed in bed. Went to my grandma's house. No crazy party. No pimped out car. But hey, I'm sixteen and that's all that matters!

 The cute sign my cute mommy made!

 <3 Kemba Walker <3 I want him so much.

October 2011
I was asked to homecoming at Timpview by this cute kid named Gibson. Gibby is a silly kid, definitely the kid that makes you laugh and feel comfortable with. We went to Lagoon for our day date and it was one of the best dates I've been on since. I loved my dress, too. It was borrowed from a friend but I did NOT want to take that off. I felt pretty. I hadn't felt that pretty for a while.

 Me and Gibson

My gorgeous dress. S/O Hayley Hernandez!

November 2011
Definitely one of the hardest months I had. On November 19th, I was working. Me and some kids were goofing off and making the most fun we could out of being at work on a Saturday night. I got a huge feeling in the pit of my stomach, almost like I was going to throw up. I took my break and got my phone out to check on my friend, Devin, who had been fighting bone cancer for 3 years. I wasn't getting service in the back room, so I shrugged it off. He was probably fine, I'll check when I get home, I thought. We closed down and cleaned up, I got home around midnight and totally forgot to check on him. I was asleep within 5 minutes of laying on my bed. I woke up to about 10 text messages and 2 missed calls. Bad bad news. Devin had passed away the night before around 8 p.m., which was about when I was having that nervous feeling. I still haven't accepted the fact that Devin didn't beat the cancer. And I still don't like talking about it, even though I know how happy he is now.

I love you Dev.

December 2011
December was full of fun, actually. It didn't snow at all in December which was very rare. But my cousin from Texas, Eileen, came to stay with me. She and I went and visited the lake a lot, and she absolutely loved seeing the mountains every morning. We even spent New Years Eve at the lake. At midnight we kinda just smiled and said, "happy new year fetus face" and took a picture of the two of us. She got me through the week of Devin's passing. I wouldn't be here without her, and that is a fact. She'll always have a special place in my heart.
January 1, 2012
Yes, you may notice that IS today's date. Eileen is still here with us, she'll be here in Utah until tomorrow. This evening I was watching television when my friend from my old town called me and told me that our friend Brandon Vance had passed away sometime between late last night and early this morning. I was in absolute shock. No tears. No tantrums. No words, even. Speechless and emotionless is all I was. I didn't know exactly how, I didn't know exactly when, but I had a pretty good idea. Vance was into alcohol and drugs. He had some problems with delsym, DXM, drank alcohol, smoked weed, cough syrup. All that junk. He actually got back from rehab about 2 months ago. It literally made me sick to think of Vance accidentally overdosing, especially after a whole summer at rehab. Then I found out. It was no accident at all. He HAD been drinking last night (New Years Eve), but that's not what did it. This morning his mom found him in his bedroom. He had taken his own life. What I'd give to go back to the days at his house with Hilary McKinnon, skateboard in his driveway and piss him off by calling him Bridget. What I'd give to be teased by that kid again. What I'd give to be able to change the outcome of this New Years Eve for him and his family. 

2011 was... interesting. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I learned a lot from this year and have changed from everything. Because I haven't. I have no idea why Devin and Brandon had to die, or why I had to throw someone I thought I loved to the curb, or why I believed that boy when he said he loved me, or why my parents and I fought and bickered. I have yet to learn from any of those experiences. But I believe more than anything that one day, all those awful times will make sense to me. It'll be a great big "ah hah!" moment. And yeah, it all sucked when it happened and it still sucks right this very second. But one day it won't. One day it'll be worth the suckiness. On the other hand, 2011 was full of happy times as well. I met the best friends I've ever had, I went to high school dances, I got my drivers license, I went to Boston, I moved to a high school that I absolutely love.

So from this year, the main thing I've taken away is that the bad times really do suck. But the good outweigh the bad. The good, is good. And the bad will one day be just as good as the rest. Hopefully this year I can do better at not dwelling on the hard times, but the good ones; and making sure the hard times become learning experiences.

I survived a rough year. Here I come 2012...

hit me with your best shot.