Lesson 1: Expect No More

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lots of my posts are negative. Ha I promise I'm not a negative person. I really do smile and laugh a lot, and life is super good. But there's a lot of stuff that I think about but I don't share with people. I don't wanna talk about negative stuff all the time. So I blog about it. Haha point is, I'm really an optimistic child! :) Keep that in mind. Now that that's established...

Wanna know what I hate? Middle ground. Gray areas. Like I mentioned in my last post, just not knowing. It kinda sucks. Looking into the future and not knowing what to expect. Not even a little bit. So much changes within a year. A month. A week. A day. Even just one second. Something can happen that effects your whole future, and you never know where you're headed... no matter what you think.

I really like having things figured out. Knowing when something will happen, what's going on, yadda yadda. Sure, I love surprises. Who doesn't? But I feel most comfortable when I know what to expect. Maybe that's what my issue is. I've always been really confused with time, and I've always wondered why time was always against me. Things never went right at the right time. But really, I shouldn't expect things to happen. That's one thing I've really learned this year. The more you expect, the more upset you are. Not to be a Debby Downer, but expectations only let you down. Sure, sometimes they're fulfilled and that's absolutely fabulous. But most of the time, they really just build you up to be torn down.

Lately, I've made some expectations with people. Everyday just hurts even more, cause what I want to happen doesn't happen. It's totally fine, I'm not complaining. Fate will make it happen when it needs to. But the fact that I built up these expectations makes it harder for me to wait. Just another lesson for me to learn, though. So many lessons to learn in high school and I'm only a sophomore.
If there's one expectation I'm going to make, it's that high school will be a good experience. I'm gonna make it that way. So really, that's not an expectation. It's a goal. There's a difference. To me, at least.

Expectation: waiting for something to happen without putting all of your effort into it

Goal: striving to reach something, trying with every ounce of drive you have to accomplish something.

To me, there's a big difference. A world of a difference. So lesson learned: don't expect. Hope. Strive. Try.

Maybe one day it'll pay off.

"All That I Know Is I Don't Know"

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I listen to a lot of music. Tons. Loads. Almost too much. No, actually. There can NEVER be too much music. But I definitely listen to the maximum amount of music as possible. Every kind, really. Except for country. Not a fan. Anyways, I've been listening to a particular song lately. It makes me bawl. Now you have to know, I used to cry over everything. I was such a baby when I was little. But I'm tough now, and I usually don't cry too easy... unless hormones are going insane, of course. When I listen to this song, I can't hold myself together. I just can't. There's one line in this song that gets me thinking:

All that I know is I don't know...

I know, quite profound right? I think about it a lot. It basically sums up my life right now. I'm a happy girl, loving life, making the best of every situation. But still, I just don't know.

I dont know what I want. What are you talking about, Al? Of course you know what you want. Well, in a sense... yes. I definitely know what I want. But I don't think what I want, wants me back. Some days I think otherwise, but some days I don't. The rules change everyday. And I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if I should keep wanting what I want, or just to give up on it all. I don't know what it is that's keeping me trying. I don't know if it's real faith, or just blind optimism of a stupid, naive high school girl.

I dont know why I, and every normal human being, has to endure so much. It doesn't seem quite fair to me. If there's one thing I DO know, it's that I love my family to pieces. They've helped me through so much. I can't even BEGIN to explain how many nights last year that I curled up in a ball and cried at night. After about 20 minutes, I would hear my mom come down those stairs and knock on my door. She came into my room and rubbed my back while I cried and cried. Life wasn't fair. It never really is. No matter how much good is going on, there's always something to be improved or fixed. How pessimistic of me, I know. But it's reality. It's blunt honesty. It's just another thing I don't know.

I dont know why people are so critical, so judgmental, so harsh. I watch a lot of fashion and runway shows. I'm really into that, and I would love to work in that industry. But people are so SO harsh. Especially on girls. I don't know why expectations are so high for us ladies. I've mentioned it in my blog many many times, cause it's a big deal to me. But to me, beauty is being you. Beauty is not caring what people think. Beauty is knowing who you are, and loving yourself for that. And I don't know why the rest of the nation has such different views on that.


I don't know how to get through things. There's one thing going on right now that I don't think I'm handling very well. My friend Devin, the one I wrote a post about in July, is very very sick. He was expected to die a couple months ago, but he's still going. I'm a wreck about it. I check every couple of hours to see if he's still okay. Truth is, he's not okay. He's hanging by a thread. I don't know why that's fair. I don't understand why such a beautiful, innocent boy has to endure so much. Some people are good with knowing there's a reason for everything, I'm not as blessed with that ability as I wish I was. I don't know. I just. don't. know.

Hm. That was a random post. Random thoughts, random feelings just flowing out through my fingers onto this blog. There's lots I don't know. Some of it will come with time. Some will just remain questions for the rest of my life. And that absolutely kills me.

Welp. If I know one thing, it's that my hair is insane and I should probably shower.

Nighty night.

Provo High Trash Cans Smell... Really Bad

Monday, August 22, 2011

Today, I went to Provo High. It wasn't an offical day, and I didn't go to any classes or anything. But I'm offically a student. WOWZERS. I know it's super cliche, but I've honestly waited for this day for months. Everyday in the second semester of freshman year in 2nd period, I would just sit and wish I was at Provo High. So so badly. I hated my school. I definitely could have handled it better. But I hated it. I remember exactly how it started.

I started going to Provo High School sports games and stuff around August. Everyone I met was so sweet, but I never really wanted to go to school there. Until that party at Makayla's house in November. Oh man. That was the hardest night. I showed up, and people said the rudest things. They did things that you only see in cliquey high school movies. I knew that my school was cliquey and somewhat bratty, but I hadn't really seen that bad of it for a while.

I had always been in the popular group. It was me, Kira, Tara, Maddi, Zoe, Sydnie, Hannah, and tons more girls. From 4th-8th grade, we kinda ran our school. Well, we thought we did. We walked like we did. We talked like we did. But it was around November, around the time of that party, that I realized I couldn't do it anymore. Despite the fact that I was one of "them", they pushed me around. They treated me like dirt.

At that party, I finally felt that. I finally realized I was walked all over by them, and frankly- unimportant. So I left. Worst part? No one noticed. Not even my best friends called to see where I went. My absence went unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, that's no big deal, I don't need to be the center of attention. In fact, I'd rather NOT be. But knowing that no one really cared enough to notice, that hurt really bad. And after that night, I gave up.

I stopped going to 3 parties every weekend night.
I stopped worrying about who I was gonna go to lunch with.
I stopped wearing designer jeans and doing my hair all the time.
Bottom line...
I stopped caring what people thought of me.

Clearly, they didn't care much about me anyways. And they really weren't true friends, so I stopped living to please everyone else. I started to do what I wanted to do, and started to please ME.

And that's the best thing I think I've ever done.

Around November is when I started wanting to go to Provo High. I was getting closer with friends there, and I knew 110% that they were real friends. Friends who would stick beside me, who would notice if I left, who wouldn't care if I wore $10 jeans and Nike's. I wanted to have that laid back atmosphere SO bad, because I was finally realizing that I never really had it.

One thing led to another, and here I am today after my first day as a Provo High student.  :) Ah. So smiley about that. I love my friends here. They're hilarious. They tease me, I tease them, but we all know it's funny and we love each other regardless.

In fact, today my buddy Marcelo trash canned me. Hahahaha. Such a struggle, I know. He just pushed me backwards into the trash can and I went in there like it wasn't NOTHIN'. Hahaha I wasn't mad and I wasn't happy. I was just confused. Like, why am I in a trash can and why are people thinking it's funny? Then I felt the liquid go down my butt. That was when I knew I had to destroy Marcelo. It was funny. They all took their pictures and put them on Facebook and Twitter and what not. But they helped me out and said it was for my 'Welcome to Provo High' experience. Silly kids. :)

Overall, it was a good day. And there's still more day to come! It's only 4!  Yay! Tomorrow will be my first full school day at PHS. I'm hoping I don't get lost or anything. Knowing me, I will.

But hey, at least I've got some solid friends that have my back... in the trash can, that is.

Being a Female

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Well. I haven't posted for like months. This is mildly awkward. Hi there. In case you've forgotten, I'm Aly. I'm short, I'm a snuggle bug, and I love apple sauce and cereal. Now that that's established...

let's get to the point of this post.

Wanna know what sucks? Being a girl. It's not all that it's cracked up to be! Not only like cramping, or being on your period, or being expected to push babies out of yourself. There's much MUCH more that sucks about being a girl. Trust me.

People expecting you to look good all the time. Ha. Nice. We're supposed to paint our nails, do our hair, wear make up, have cute clothes, be skinny. AH GOODNESS. I absolutely hate the skinny stereotype. Screw that, gimme some fries. Image is so distorted- especially for girls and women. Guys can wear almost anything and not be judged. But if girls wear something weird, you're definitely gonna hear about it. In a nutshell, we're supposed to look 'slam slam oh hot dayyyyum' all the time. If you ask me, I say that's jank. And that's the end of that.

Wanna know what else sucks? Other girls. Someone please tell me why girls hate each other? I'm so lost. I'M A GIRL and I don't even know why all of us females hate each other. I personally don't hate people! SO many girls talk trash on me and hate me, and I don't even know why! I smile at them and tell them they look cute, and suddenly I'm like a member of some mafia that I wasn't informed about. So confusing. So unnecessary. So baffling.

Boys. FRICK. Boys are the worst. I love 'em. I hate 'em. Lots of girls are totally boy crazy. I don't consider myself boy crazy at all. That's just creeps. But boys really do make you wanna punch someone in the face. The worst is when you're stuck on ONE boy and things just won't go your way! You feel helpless. You feel inferior. You feel vulnerable. But as long as there's still the slightest chance of getting this boy, you just can't give up. That's THE BIGGEST FORM of girl suicide!

I think girls think way more than guys do. Who am I kidding. Of COURSE they do. Boys' brains just don't operate right. They think about girls, sports, and food. So yes, girls DEFINITELY think more than guys. I think it's something scientific. Like our brains were made to worry about things and over think everything. Cause I definitely over think everything, as does every other girl in the nation.

Girls also have to shave their legs and their armpits and wax their eyebrows and such. Can someone remind me why it's okay for men to have 6 inch long hairs under their arms? Or long, grody hair on their legs? Or an eyebrow that just seems to stare at you, taunting your every move? It makes no sense! Are soft legs sexy? Most likely. If so, why on earth don't guys shave their legs too? Don't they wanna look sexy? I'm so confused.
Like I mentioned earlier in this post, we're expected to have kids. Our bodies are like 10% fattier than the average man's body, cause our tummy's are supposed to stretch with a child inside there. Um really? Couldn't we have been asked if we want children, prior to having more fat than men? Cause I don't want a kid, but I'm stuck with 10% more fat than the average dude! UNFAIR. SEXIST. Me no likey.

Oh oh oh. Here's another one. The stereotype of women is to be stay at home mom's. Wearing neat little aprons, kneeling down and mopping the floors by hand, baking banana bread for the children when they get home. NO. I will wear t-shirts, I will mop the floor with a Swiffer Wet Jet, and my husband can eat frozen pizza and apple sauce.

Other than that kind of stuff, being a girl is quite fun. It all pays off when a guy looks at you with "that look", or when you realize you can do the splits, or when the 'ladies first' rule applies, or when boys open doors for you. So yes. Despite all the complications of being a girl, it's not all that bad after all.