Sunday, April 28, 2013

Today was great.
There was a lot on my mind, so I went on a long drive.
Took back roads down to the lake.
Windows down, sunroof open, country music on loud.
I thought.
And thought. 
A lot.
I decided it would help me to visit Devin.
Talking to him makes me calm.
Knowing that he's still listening is so comforting.
After the many miles driven, the many Tim McGraw songs I sang along to, the many emotions I felt as I relived many different memories, I felt a lot of comfort.
Today was a beautiful day, and I cannot even begin to say how incredibly blessed I am.
You're all so blessed, as well.
Even when you don't feel like you are, think about the blessings in your life. There are so so many for all of us.
Happy Sunday, lovelies. 

so blessed, so grateful, and SO so happy with my life


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Here come the feelings I thought I had forgotten.
I guess you just can't forget things in life like this.
Vance was in my dream last night.
It wasn't a bad dream, he was just in it. But it got me thinking of him, and he was on my mind all day.
I would do anything to go back and save him. I would go back to his freshman year when we would flirt with each other, I would live it all again just to save him and have him here and happy today.
But after all the cute walks home together and hugs on the corner of main street ended, I failed to see how much he needed someone.
I failed to step outside of myself and help this cute boy that needed it so much.
And now he's gone.
I miss him- not in the "I miss seeing him everyday" way, cause I went weeks or months without seeing him. I was actually quite used to not seeing him. But I miss him in the- "I'm never going to see you again" way, and the "Why didn't I save you when I could've?" way.

I miss him, along with a lot of regret harbored in my heart.
I don't think what happened on New Year's Eve 2012 will ever make sense to me. I don't think New Year's Eve will ever be the same again. I know I'll always think about him and wish that I could have saved him. I'll think about the future he could have had if someone would've stepped in and showed him how much he was worth.
But he's gone, and I know that he isn't missing this world now. He must be so happy now and that's what I have to remember. I picture him in a tank top and shorts on a beach, having bonfires and skating the sickest skate parks, cause I know that's what his heaven would be like.
I can't wait to see him again.

I think daily about the day we will be reunited.
It will be an amazing day, and it will be so worth the wait!

I love you, Vance. :)

who wouldn't miss this cute thing? :)
he looks so happy here-
that's how i'll always remember him.

"the sweetest story ever told"

Monday, April 8, 2013

I don't know if there is anyone in this whole entire world who thinks about the future as much as I do. I never wanted to be a hopeless romantic, but I'm afraid that I have surrendered. I, of course, dream of my future husband and think about him daily. I wonder who he is, if I know him, what he's doing at this exact moment. I think about planning my wedding- what girl doesn't think about that, right? Or maybe I'm just pathetic...
Either way, I love weddings. And thinking about my own is mind blowing- one day I WILL be having my very own wedding, being married to my very own man who I love more than anything in this world.
So I guess weddings are pretty important, and maybe that makes it okay to plan my own wedding when I'm only 17 years old.
barn wedding

love this cake

my obsession with mason jars...

cutest ever

mr. and mrs.
one day i'll have a mr. and be a mrs. :)

OBSESSED with this dress.
the lace,
the simplicity,
it's beautiful.

I must have lanterns


country kind of love

Obviously, I want a rustic wedding. A country wedding. I'm so simple, I want to live a simple life, I want a simple wedding with country music, mason jars, lanterns, candles.
It makes me giddy to look through all of those pictures and imagine myself and a mystery man in them, rather than strangers who look to be so in love. I'll have that one day. And it's going to be so worth the wait.
As great as all those plans are, and as much as I want them at my wedding, NONE of them matter nearly as much as this last one does.

I went through a time when I didn't want to be married in the temple. At all. I didn't have a testimony of temples, or even of the church. I wanted to get married on a beach. Sounds pretty great, I won't lie. No one can say they don't like the beach. But I've changed a lot through the past year or so. I finally got rid of the bad influence I had in my life, and I started over. I found truth again, I found happiness again. My testimony has never been stronger, I have never had a greater love for my Heavenly Father and I have never had more of the urge to live with Him again- to be eternally sealed to the man who will one day call me his lady, and to the little rugrats we will bring into this beautiful world. I'm so blessed to know the truth and to be able to marry in the temple. I strive to be worthy to be married in this holy place to my mister, and to be with him forever and always, and ALL eternity.

you can't say that this isn't a castle.
this is where true princes and princesses get married-
daughters and sons of a King.

Maybe I'm ridiculous. I'm 17 years old and I'm planning a wedding. And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if all of these plans changed.
But I know that the last plan that I shared is the most important, and it will NOT change. I have lived my life WITHOUT the goal of being married in the temple, and it was the most unhappy time of my life. This church gives me true happiness and peace- feelings that I couldn't have without it.
I can't wait to fall in love and to have a cute little country reception...
and to get married in the Lord's house.

I hope y'all aren't too lovesick after reading this.
I promise that my post tomorrow will be a contrast to my past few.
Gotta keep it interesting. :)
have a fantastic evening, lovelies.


Sunday, April 7, 2013

I dream of a good life.
Not a perfect life.
But a good one. A beautiful one. A life of trials, but also a life of beauty.
I dream of a boy.
One who cares about me.
Not a boy like my first boy.
A boy who won't hurt me. One who will love me through thick and thin, through my ups and downs. Whether I'm skinny or fat, tired or hyper.
I dream of acceptance from this boy.
Acceptance of my past- good and bad, my future, myself, my weird little quirks that I have, my silly personality.
I dream of simplicity.
A little old house.
A little happy couple.
Holding hands and wasting Friday nights together.
Eating more than we should, just because we can.
I dream of a little baby.
Soft, perfect skin.
Little hands, little feet.
Big eyes, big dreams.
I dream of teenagers.
Denying my motherhood of them.
Wanting me to drop them off around the corner.
Rolling their eyes at me.
I dream of watching them grow.
Watching them make the same mistakes I did as a mother.
Watching them do things much better than I did.
Watching their kids grow, just as I watched them.
I dream of growing old.
Holding his wrinkly hand.
Watching the news and playing solitaire.
Going on walks with him.
Seeing the beauties I failed to see at a young age.
I dream of happiness.
True happiness.
Not happiness that can be borrowed, bought, or owned.
Intangible happiness. Happiness that no one can ever take away from me.

I have so much life ahead of me. So much happiness to look forward to. I am so blessed, and this is only the beginning.