i know that my redeemer lives

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Today was fantastic. Can I just say, I am so incredibly blessed. It never ceases to amaze me how much God has blessed me with in my life. I am so humbled today, and everyday, by the love my Savior has for me.
Easter is such a great day. I love watching the kids run around looking for eggs while spreading chocolate, the smell of sweets, and childhood across their soft cheeks. I love watching them get so excited about the Easter bunny coming to their house, and I love the yummy desserts we had at my Grammy's for Easter.
But today was the most memorable, valuable Easter Sunday I have ever had, and I will never EVER forget it.

Kady and I woke up and went to church with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. My aunt Cindy gave the lesson in Young Women's and it hit me really hard. We also had the missionaries over tonight and it was so great to talk to people who are close in age with me, but aren't stuck in high school things that don't matter. I was so involved in the gospel today- it made me really think about this holiday and what it's all about.
Jesus Christ died for us.
 He suffered for our sins.
He felt every single emotion we ever have.
That statement is something people in the LDS religion hear a lot; we BELIEVE it, we SAY it, we KNOW it, but do we really REALIZE what it means, or how much it means? I think half the time, it's something we just throw out there and don't really apply to our lives very much.
This week, I have thought about my Savior a lot. This past week marks the week that the Savior suffered in the garden of Gethsemane. Christ suffered so many things, not only for me, but for every single person on this earth. I think of the darkest times in my life: when my aunt Lorrin overdosed and I dealt with my first encounter with death, when my sweet boy lost his battle to cancer, or when Vance took his life on New Year's Eve 2012. The amount of pain I felt through those times was indescribable- I really didn't think I would make it through those days of my life. Jesus Christ felt every feeling I ever felt at those times. Not only did He feel my sorrow and cry my tears, but He carried every burden I have ever carried on His back. Every mistake I have ever made, every stupid sin I have committed, every moment of guilt I felt for those things, Christ felt those feelings, and He felt them VOLUNTERILY. How incredible is that, that someone would volunteer himself to take away every single person in the universe's pains and sorrows, just to assure that we have the best Plan of Salvation we can, and that we can live in paradise with our Father again.
The Savior died for us. And before he died, after he emotionally suffered, he physically suffered. He was beaten, bruised, humiliated, ridiculed. The Son of God took all of these things upon himself, for me. For every soul that has ever entered this world. And as if that weren't enough, He was nailed to a cross and died a slow, painful death. FOR US. And the craziest part? He forgave the people who did all of this to them.
"Forgive them; for they know not what they do."
THAT is pure love. There is no love more real than the love that Christ has for his brothers and sisters, and for his Father. But this holiday is not centered around His death. Jesus Christ was resurrected 3 days after he was crucified. THAT is the reason we celebrate Easter- because He lives! Because the Son of God is real, He is true, He overcame the biggest trial anyone has ever gone through in mortality.
Every time I think, "No one knows how I'm feeling, no one can relate to me, no one knows how hard it is to deal with this", I can remember that there is one person who knows every feeling I've felt- and it is Jesus Christ. I am NEVER alone. I am always comforted, I can always shut the door, kneel on my knees and ask for strength, ask for forgiveness, or simply ask for someone to cry to.
I am so blessed to have the knowledge of this true gospel, that my church is true, that I have a brother and Savior Jesus Christ who knows me better than I know myself. I'm so blessed to have been raised in such an amazing family, to have the most incredible mommy I could ever ask for and the most fun dad anyone could have. I'm so blessed to have the cutest siblings and to have such a special relationship with every member in my family. I'm blessed to have my aunts and uncles who give me advice about anything when I need it, to be examples to me of the type of mother I want to be and family I want to raise when the time comes. I'm so grateful for my grandparents on both sides of the family, and their example of unconditional, timeless love that I strive to have one day. I don't know why I am so blessed, but I really have so much to be grateful for and I am truly humbled every time I think of these things.

The church is true, peeps. It really truly is. If you don't know this, PLEASE look into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints by clicking HERE. I have been a member of this church my whole life, but I have recently been fully converted and my life changed completely afterwards. This church brings me so much true happiness, a happiness that I want everyone to feel one day.
Sorry I just wrote y'all a talk right there, but I am just so blessed. I want everyone to realize how incredibly blessed they are as well, and that there is ALWAYS someone who knows exactly what they are going through. Pray tonight. Thank God for your blessings, ask Him for guidance, thank Him for sending His Son for YOU.

Goodnight, beauties.


Friday, March 29, 2013

It's so good to be home in Texas. This place just feels like home, there is nothing like it. I love the smell of the humid air, the sound of the birds and bugs at night. Kady is here with me for this trip. We took the car today and drove all around town. We ran some errands and went to my aunt and uncle's house to help set up for my cousin Lauren's sweet 16 surprise party. She didn't know that I am in town, so it was really cute to see her reaction when she saw me come down the stairs.
We also drove some back roads today. They're narrow roads with fields on both sides. I showed Kady the longhorns that I love to visit while I'm here. They walked over to me and just looked at me, almost like they recognized me and were welcoming me back home. It made me so happy, and it filled me with a feeling of pure joy- like when you feel that there's a smile that starts in your toes and comes up your whole body and wipes across your face uncontrollably. That was me, due to big long horns, open roads, and country music.

We topped off today with skinny dipping late tonight (no pun intended). It's something you HAVE to do when you're in Texas. I feel like today, I lived inside of a country song. And I wouldn't have my life any other way.
I promise we're wearing strapless swimmies in this photo :)

happy 16th, lolo. i love you!
favorite picture of all time.
isn't he so cute?
Goodnight, cowboys and cowgirls.

don't know why

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

This gem has been stuck in my head all day.
It takes me back to when my momma and I would drive around in our little, old, beat up Volvo and listen to the whole record.
Momma also used to play it on the piano at Grandma's old house down in Bull River.
I miss those days with my momma. They were innocent, they were full of that mother daughter love that you can't feel anywhere else.
Maybe that's why I love this track so much.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

long time no type

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. I've been so crazy busy, but I always use that for an excuse, so you're all probably done believing that. But really. SO BUSY. This term ends on Friday and I think it'll end up to be pretty good for me *knocks on wood*. I'm looking to have about a 3.7 or 3.8 at the end of the term. It's not a 4.0, but it's close. I heard that colleges look closely at third term grades from junior year. I'm not entirely sure how true that is, but if it's true, I'm hoping to be good enough for the college I'd like to be accepted to.
I've learned this term that people change. And I certainly learned that the hard way. But I'm coming to a point now where I can see the positivity in change. People do change, people do grow apart, but I believe it's always for the best. Call it cheesy, call it cliche; dish it out, I can take it. But I do believe strongly that the changes made in life are necessary. They are always what is best for us and though it's hard to go through sometimes, these changes help us.
"Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."
With that being said, I'm off to class. Remember, darlings, that change is hard. Change isn't easy to adjust to. But change is good. Be patient. You will see soon that your life has changed not for the worse, but for the better.

this stupid game

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Tonight, my dad's team lost in the first round of the WCC tournament.
Tonight, I was pissed off.
Tonight, I saw a tweet that said this:
"I'm sick of these rebuilding years at BYU. Why can't we just be good already?"
Wanna know what I'm sick of?
I'm sick of dealing with everybody's criticism towards my dad's team.
I'm sick of people claiming to feel such a "sting" after a loss, but they don't know how it is to have so much riding on a group of college boys and whether a ball goes in a hoop or not.
I'm sick of having to hold back funny quotes from Twitter when they include 'damn' or 'hell'. Cause heaven forbid I give our family a bad reputation for all the stupid BYU fans who follow me (there are like 5 of them, at the most).
I'm sick of feeling like I have to live up to this "coach's kid" standard, more so to this "BYU coach's kid" standard. Cause BYU sure is different than any other school. In a good way of course, but with that comes a tremendous amount of pressure.
I'm sick of people saying that we're such a bad team and that they're sick of these rebuilding years. WE MADE IT TO THE SWEET 16 JUST TWO YEARS AGO, PEOPLE. Our star player won the Nai Smith award 2 years ago! We had a player go to the NBA, JUST TWO YEARS AGO!! If these are rebuilding years, be grateful. For rebuilding years, we are a fantastic team. And our boys bust their butts trying to get the win for all of the fans. Be patient. Just. Be. Patient.
I'm sick of trying to find the fine line between being involved in basketball, and letting basketball run my life.
This whole lifestyle is stupid.
It's just a game, a stupid game that no one will really remember in 10 years. But at the end of it, this stupid game is what seems to control everything around me. Just two numbers on opposing sides of a giant sign. And the stupidest part about them, is that those two numbers can make or break me.

hold your tongue

Sunday, March 3, 2013

silence is the only moment in which the air is clear.
the only time it's easy to breathe without choking on words.
all it takes is one mouth to be opened,
and suddenly...
the air is contaminated with words-
word and letters with meanings.
meanings they might mean;
meanings they might not.
either which way, this air can be poisonous
once we get a taste, it never leaves us.
like salt,
the taste remains in our mouths whether we want it or not.
nothing can completely wash it out.
only time,
and clear air;
but words don't seem to stop from pouring out.
silence doesn't seem to exist.
like a gutter in a storm,
it does not stop.
changes need to be made,
tongues need to be held.
taking back words is not merely possible,
nor is it enough.
there's still a dent in the atmosphere,
marking where those words poured out.
to silence the air, we must silence ourselves.
but none of us are willing.
apparently it's okay to stab someone with your words.
to take one sentence and cut so deeply,
so deeply that someone may give up.
is that really what you want?
every time you open your mouth,
THINK of your impact.
will you regret the words you let pour into the atmosphere?
cause they can't be put back into your mouth no matter how hard you try to push them.

|| useless ||

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I'm in a rut.
A bad one.
And I'm really sick of being in it.
Don't get me wrong, I love spending every weekend with Kady. She's seriously the best friend I've ever had and I love every minute spent with her, no homo. But I'm really fed up with everything and everybody right now.
When I first moved here, I feel like people liked me. I think it was the whole new girl thing: a fresh face, a new person to get to know. I felt so important. I felt like my existence was acknowledged, and that people really did enjoy my company. But so much has changed. I don't think anyone cares to have me around anymore. And I wish I knew what I did to make things go sour. It was probably all the things I didn't do. I don't hang out in the courtyard after school, I don't put myself out there quite as much as some people do, I just don't really care that much. That's what it comes down to. I just don't care to go out of my way to impress people. I cared for too long back in Alpine. I cared so much that it took a huge toll on me. And when I moved here, I told myself I wouldn't let people's opinions get in the way of my own happiness. And this year, I haven't stressed out about impressing people, or being something I'm not. After losing my boy last year, I saw a side of life I hadn't seen before. I saw a deeper purpose in this life than the four years of hell that we call high school. I looked past these four years and what is to come after all of this dust settles. I have an angel to live for now. My #1 priority for the rest of my life is to live to please my boy while I'm still on this earth and he's up in the clouds. Call me crazy, but I don't think that worrying about other people's social lives is something that Devin is really pushin' for me to do here. I just know what I want after high school, I know where I want to be and I don't really care to dilly dally around about stupid, irrelevant things.
But still, I don't care how headstrong a person is, EVERYONE wants to feel like they're cared for. And I just don't. I'm sick of these people who put on a show for everyone. I just want to go on a long drive with someone special, and have a real, GENUINE conversation. I not only want to feel important, but I want to make someone else feel important. Cause feeling unimportant, it's the most lousy feeling in this whole entire world. No one deserves to feel it. It's terrible.
But, nevertheless, it's how I feel tonight.

I need somebody to reach out. Maybe I need to branch out. I just need something to make me feel like there IS someone, besides Kady, who wants me in their life. Cause right now, I just feel like a waste of space- and a useless one at that.