Stupid Stupid Me

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I'm so stupid. There's no other words to explain this whole year. I'm so. so. stupid. I'm vulnerable, really. I have done so many things this year, even in the past couple of months, to make me stupid. I've chosen boys over parents, friends over family. It's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid Aly.

There is nothing I want more than a relationship with my mom like the one we used to have. I don't know what broke it. But whatever it is, I hate it. I hate it more than anything in this world. Maybe it's me and my selfish, teenage nature; or my carelessness for the future. I really don't have the slightest clue what it was that ruined us. Maybe it was HIM, which freaking sucks. But maybe it was. In fact, I know it was HIM. No, it was how I acted when I was with him. All I could focus on was him. What HE was up to, if HE was okay, what HE needed, when I was going to be able to see HIM. I completely removed myself from the family and I didn't realize it, but I was willing to sabotage my relationship with them for my relationship with him. I really don't think it was HIM who changed me. He wasn't on a mission to make me not care about my family. He didn't want to ruin that relationship. I honestly think it was me. I was the one who trusted him more than anyone else. Even more than my own family.

After that whole HIM thing ended though, I was doing a lot better. Actually doing my homework (to the best of my abilities, at least). I was going out on weekends and doing exactly what I said I was doing. I was smiling for reals. I wasn't worried about anything, because I knew that I was becoming easier to trust again, and I felt like my parents knew that as well. I was doing it all so I could show my parents that I could be with HIM again, withing it taking a toll on our family relationships.

But howdy freaking doo, I messed everything up. Why? Cause I didn't listen to my gut. I wasn't where I said I was. And in the gut of my gut of my gut, (yes, quite deep) I felt like I should've just stayed home and not risked anything. I really didn't do anything terrible. Didn't kiss any boys. Didn't smoke any weed. Didn't drink any alcohol. There was none of that crap at this kids house. I stay as FAR away from that as possible. We really were just hanging out, listening to techno music and telling those dumb jokes like, "Why did Bob fall off the bike? ... Because Bob was a fish." It really was just a bunch of kids being weirdos. Any teenager would say I don't have anything to feel totally terribly guilty about. But I think not being completely honest with someone who has given up their WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE for YOU is the worst thing you can do. Even if it's the slightest lie, like "I'm at Timpview" when you're really at Jeremy's or Tysen's or whoever's house, being dorky teenagers.
I don't want to lose anyone's trust. Having someone's trust is the best feeling in the world. Knowing that you can be completely honest with someone, and they will never doubt or question you. It's almost like being a V.I.P. or something. You have that police man badge and you can get free donuts without being questioned. But once you lose that dang badge, you're screwed.

What can I say, I'm a kid. I try my very best to be my very best but I mess up. I mess up way more than I should. The biggest mistakes I make are caused by not listening to my gut. I just need to do that. Maybe I'll name my gut feelings, just so I can feel a personal relationship with them and learn to trust them. Okay that's ridiculous. But really, I need to trust my gut. It's funny, I tend to trust other people than I trust myself sometimes. Lots of people do that. Lots of TEENAGERS do that. It's scary. But I'm done being a statistic. I'm gonna be ALY: the girl who listens to her gut.

THAT, my friends, is my goal.

ANYTHING but this

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Today I went to school. I came home. I did homework for about 3 hours. I showered. I lied in bed listening to country music. Not a great day. Honestly, it wasn't even a good day at all. I've got Devin on my mind. I miss knowing that he's sitting on his couch reading magazines in brail; I miss having even a glimpse of hope for him to pull through and miraculously heal. I don't know, maybe it's silly. But that was comfort for me, knowing he was living here, on this same earth as I am. I just want to be who he wants me to be. I want to be worthy of his friendship and presence still in my life. But still, I'm feeling uncomfortable lately. With a lot.

I've decided this is not the person I want to be. I don't know who I want to be. Maybe the pretty, blonde cheerleader who every guy would KILL to be with. Maybe the awkward girl who no one knows if they like or not. Maybe the girl who isn't so pretty, but has a not so pretty boyfriend and they both lived happily ever after. I don't know who it is that I want to be, but it's NOT this. It's ANYTHING but this. I don't want to always know of the things I've done and carry them in the back of my mind. I don't want to look in the mirror and see what I see now. I don't want to go to math class and know I'm the dumb one. I don't want to know in the back of my mind that I was played for a year by someone who I thought was Superman, but he clearly was the only villain in the story.
I don't want this to be me.

When I look in the mirror, I want to see Barbara Palvin, except with the body of Blake Lively and the hair of Miley Cyrus;  the striking green eyes of Nicole Fox, the full lips of Beyonce Knowles and the bronze skin of Jennifer Lopez. I want to open my mouth and have the voice of Christina Aguilera and when I dance I want everything to look effortless, like Melanie Moore. I want people to look at me and see their faces go like this: 


Most importantly, I want to look at myself and do this.


Maybe I should quit eating so much. Maybe I should run 10 miles a day. Maybe I should do sit ups every time I eat. Maybe I should sleep with beauty cream on my face. Maybe I should drink gross health shakes in the morning. I don't freaking know.

I want to make my parents proud. I want to be smart, I want to get straight A's like it's nothing. I want everything to come easy. I want to be a Sterling Scholar and get scholarships to schools all over the world. But at the same time, I don't. That's the life I feel like I SHOULD live, but it's not the one I'd be happy living. I just need to decide between the two: what would make me happy or what would make me look better.

I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe it's the loss of Devin. Or maybe it's this time of year, the time when my aunt passed. Trying to be who they want me to be, whoever that girl is. But what I do know is, I'm not who I MYSELF want to be. And that scares me a little bit. Not just because I'm not satisfied, but because I've been here before. I've been in this EXACT position. And I don't want to go back, but sometimes it's out of my control.

I have to change this. And I have to change it before it starts to really eat at me.

No pun intended.

Things Change As Seasons Change

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I've never loved fall. I'm such a summer girl. Shorts, swim suits, tan skin, tank tops, light hair, gold eyes, no make up. Fall always kinda depresses me. School starts and my skin goes light again, I have to wake up early, and it gets so cold. So basically, I've never been a fan of autumn. But tonight was beautiful. I'm growing fond of driving around, cloudy skies, gorgeous sunsets surrounded by orange trees, and even some rain. I feel like every season brings back different memories.

Every summer in my childhood was some sort of adventure. I remember sitting on my swing set with Autumn Ivie in our swimsuits after running through sprinklers. We ate onion rings and Kool-Aid. Sometimes we would take my boombox outside on my driveway and do dances on my lawn for Brandon across the street. He was probably in high school and we were like 6. Haha that's so funny now that I think of it. I can still see us jammin' out to some real nice Aaron Carter or something. We were precious. The best summer memories were at the Pleasant Grove pool with my cousins, Chloe and Zoe. We were so funny. We would splash people and then jump under the water like they couldn't see us. After pool adventures, we would go to their house and play in the bath tub. We would pretend that we were at a hotel in a hot tub and put tons of bubbles in the tub. My aunt always had lilac bubble bath. I had really fun summers with those girls. I miss seeing them all. And I miss summer days at McDonald's with my aunt.

Fall was always the Halloween Parade in my neighborhood. I tried to win an award every year but someone always beat me. Chantel Miner always won the award for 'cutest costume', but she was a cat every year so that sort of pissed me off. No variety, no award, right?. Well I was always a rockstar or princess or something totally unoriginal. No wonder I didn't get any awards. I remember Autumn was a leaf one year, cause her name is Autumn. All the adults got the joke but I was just so lost. Of course, I pretended to understand the joke. The leaves were beautiful in Alpine around fall time. My favorite one was the one across the street in the Huggard's backyard. I would go take pictures of it, cause I thought I was some big shot photographer with my fake cell phone that took pictures. Get on my level, right? No. So lame Aly. I was always so bummed about fall though, cause that meant that it got dark quicker and it wasn't warm enough to meet Autumn at the park every night before and after dinner. Fall also meant basketball season starting, which meant no more daddy. No more playing baseball in the front yard, no more throwing the football at the park, no more watching ESPN with him late at night.

Winter. Winter in Alpine. So much snow is up there, it's ridiculous. It's beautiful at first, but then after the first week it turns into gross, brown slush that's not even fun to play in. Sledding is fabulous up there though. Sledding at Grandma Smith's was really fun. It was a really long, steep hill starting at the top of her driveway and going through to her backyard and then down to the bottom of their enormous lot. Halfway down, there was a huge rock wall. The kids didn't usually go down the hill by themselves because you had to steer away from the wall, or you'd be stone faced, quite self explanatory. The first time I went down by myself was a disaster. Let's be real, anything involving a steep hill, a rock wall, and needing common sense is NOT an activity for me. I started at the very top (which was also risky, cause it got icy up there) and started down the hill. It was fun, until the wall. That's the end of that story. Christmas day was always, well, like Christmas day. Grandma and Grandpa came to see our presents. I always wore my new cozy pajamas and we make yummy breakfast. Cinnamon sugar comes to mind. Then later, we'd all go to Grandma's and brag about the presents we got.

Spring always felt like a miracle, but it also felt like it took forever to come. The snow doesn't melt in the mountains until the middle of summer. But when spring FINALLY hits, the flowers in front of our cute little house would start coming up and my mom would get so excited. The whole city of Alpine smelled like smoke. Not like nasty smoker smoke, yummy smoke. Like bonfires and new beginnings. My little brother and I would go shoot hoops at the park across the street, and I'd go hit the volleyball around with my mom. It was finally warm enough to roll the windows down in the car, which I know my mommy hated (sorry girl).

So long story short, seasons change. It seems like just when you're getting to love a season, it changes. Kinda like life I guess. You get comfortable and then some sort of change hits. I've learned that this year. But sometimes the change is a good thing. In fact, the change is ALWAYS a good thing. At first it doesn't feel like it. It just feels like someone's messing with your happiness. Like your plans are being wrecked all together. But in the long run, that change really saves you. It brings you new memories. Not better memories, not worse ones. But new memories. Memories you'll never forget. But you have to know that one day those new memories won't be new anymore. They'll fade and new ones will come. But you'll always have the old ones to look back on. To me, that's the beauty of life. Some days are so boring, some days are so eventful. But it changes. And either way, you make memories. Only if you have the right attitude.

So buck up, kid... and make this life worth every single change.

Crossing My Fingers

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My best friend read my blog last night. I woke up to a text that said, "I want an awareness shirt as soon as possible.", and a 5 page text telling me that she looks up to me and feels so blessed to be my friend. THAT is true friendship.

I'm currently wearing a PKU awareness shirt. And after waking up to Arrie's texts, I've decided I'm going to wear one of these shirts to school tomorrow. I'll take one for her and we'll both wear one. Wowzers. I'm scared. I know for a fact I'll get questions and comments on it. That scares me. Really bad. Half of me can imagine myself tearing up when someone asks. But the other half imagines me smiling proudly and saying, "It's my shirt, duh."

My motivation to swallow my pride and wear this shirt tomorrow wasn't only Arrie's amazing words of encouragement and support, but little Jacob Woodward. One of my teacher's sons, Jacob, has cancer. I hate cancer. Jacob's hair started falling out. The chemo will do that to you, that's what I learned from Devin. Jacob shaved his head last week, as did my teacher. What a good dad. That's when it really hit me that Jacob can't hide his disease. His cute, bald head says it all. His cute, chubby face says it all. People will possibly suspect something and he does not have the ability to hide it. Cutest kid ever though, let's be real.

Same goes for my friend, Devin, who I've mentioned a lot in my blog. Not only does he have cancer, but he is blind AND in a wheel chair. People know within the first glance that he is different. I'm very lucky to be able to hide my medical differences. So so lucky. And even though this is so hard for me, I have to keep in mind how blessed I am and thank God every day for that.

So I'm doing this not only to make my best friend proud, but for Jacob, for Devin, and for God. He made me who I am so I could endure this and to be proud of myself. I'm sure He wants me to hold my head high and take pride in my differences, no matter how hard it will be.

Thank you Arrie, thank you Jacob, thank you Devin. I'm doing this for you guys and I'm NOT backing down.

I'm still scared. And I really hope wearing this shirt doesn't bring me down even more. But I'm going to be strong for those little boys. I'm going to be strong for my best friend who is proud of me. I'm going to make her even more proud. I'm going to prove to myself that I am strong- that I can do hard things and hold my head high.

But as of now, I'm just crossing my fingers and I won't stop doing so until tomorrow is over.

A Guitar And A Sad Song

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Tonight I went on a drive. I listened to the country station. I don't know what it is about country music lately. Maybe it's the fact that it always reminds me of her. Almost 4 years now, that's freaking crazy. Sometimes it's still weird that she's not here. I mean, I'm used to it. But I'm still not content with it. I'm not content with anyone dying at an early age, whether it be natural causes or a substance abuse issue like in this case. Maybe it's because country music soothes me. Yeah, that's it. It soothes me. It represents a simple life. A life when a beer in one hand and a guitar in the other is just enough anyone ever needs. My life will never be that simple. Not in my wildest dreams.

I went to The Malt Shoppe today with a couple of girls. They all got shakes. I ordered fries. I kinda just looked at the fries at first. Picked one up, circled it around like a pen on the tray. Writing my name in grease. Then I looked up at the other girls. They were conversing as usual. I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to be different. I don't like to complain much, because it's not a big deal. I don't have rashes all over my body (usually), I don't have seizures, I don't have cancer. But I'm not normal. I'm just not. There is NO way around it, no matter how badly I wish there was. By the end of dinner, I had eaten my fries. Only because another girl had paid for them. I wish I stayed home tonight. I went home and I cried.

I was talking to my fitness teacher about my health issues. A girl butted in and started going on and on about how my life sucks, and if she were me she would rather commit suicide than be in my position. Isn't it enough, I thought, for me to go through this as a personal struggle? Why do people have to make it a bigger deal than it is? I guess that's what I get for trying to suck it up and be open to people about this. I went home and I cried.

I went home for lunch today. My friends went somewhere to eat. Somewhere I couldn't eat. I wasn't bothered by it at all. I have the best friends ever, and they were willing to go somewhere else for me. But I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to bring attention to this stupid disease. I didn't want this to be causing other people restrictions. I'm not letting this disease ruin other people's lives. One life is enough. I got in my car and cried on the way to my house to eat a bag of Skittles.

I opened my drawers to get dressed this morning. My PKU Awareness shirt was sitting on top. It's so dang cute. 'PKU Awareness' printed across it in pink, bold lettering. And a cartoon of stick figures all holding hands. I wanted to wear it so bad. But then again, I'd rather die than wear that shirt to school. I'd be the only one in the school who had that shirt, maybe even the only one who knew what PKU Awareness was for. I have extra awareness shirts. Maybe I'll give them out, I thought. Then I laughed. Who was I kidding? No one would ever want to wear a shirt advertising awareness for my misery.

I wish I could give up. Honestly, I wish I could throw in the towel and say, Screw it I'm done with trying. But I really can't. I can NOT risk my life. I don't have the guts. And I don't want to live my life as a mentally retarded girl. But then again, I don't wanna live my life like this. Maybe I don't want to live this life at all.

Tonight I'm going to wear my PKU Awareness shirt to bed. That way, I know I'm still holding on. It's by a thread, but at least I'm holding on. Oh how badly I wish I could wear it to school, give the extra shirts out to people for them to wear too, make myself feel less hidden away. Make me feel like I'm NOT constantly trying to hide something from people. 

So here I sit, watching the Country Music Awards, wishing I could sit on a stool with a guitar in hand and sing a sad song.
But I don't think I have the motivation to do even that at this point.

Good night bloggers.

Gossip Gossip, Ladies Please Just Stop It

Monday, November 7, 2011

I've always been a social butterfly. From the time I was little and saying "Hiiiiii" to everyone, I have always loved people and interacting with them.

But as time went on, it became harder to make friends. With girls, especially. They become so mean. Some turn mean in high school, but some turn mean in junior high. Even in elementary school there were girls who were becoming the stereotypical mean girl in high school. I don't understand it. Why do girls put other girls down all the time? Why do they always have to be better than the other? Why are they so desperate to have the best and be the best? And the number 1 question that comes into my head about girls, why are they so willing to risk a friendship with one of their girls to have something they want? Well, I think I've figured it out. At least a couple of reasons

Girls cant watch other girls have something they don't. It's not okay with them. They want to be on top of the food chain, above everyone else in everything. And when they see someone who has a better chance at perfection, they do everything they can to destroy that. Which is stupid.

Lots of girls are insecure. Who can blame them? It's so hard to be happy about yourself with media and high set expectations for girls today. But at the same time, it's really not that hard. You just have to love who you are and what you stand for, rather than what you have and what you can do. When girls are insecure, they try to bring others down so they feel more superior to them. It's selfish, that's all there is to it. Selfish. Greedy. Girls.

Ah man. Boys suck. They're yucky. But girls like them, naturally. THAT is called estrogen. And THAT is a discussion for you to have with your mum's later (if you don't already know about that, I'd suggest talking to your mum's sooner than later. Jus sayin). Every girl wants the best boy out there. Every girl has different taste, but let's face it. There's always that one guy in school that every girl would go to the ends of the universe AND back to get. It gets catty when girls are crushin' on the same guys. Catty catty catty, my friends.

Clearly, girls are just dramatic. And it's been quite the adventure for me trying to find some solid friends. I've met the fakes, I've met the materialistics, I've met the selfish, I've met the backstabbers. Hey, I feel like I've met them all. And now I've finally found them. The best friends I've ever had.

I lied in bed last night in awe. Really, it's unbelievable to me. All this time I was selling myself short. I was just believing that real true friends didn't exist. Sure, it was a nice thing to think about, but I really didn't think there were friends like this in the world. Little did I know, they lived only 20 miles away from me in a college town I had been to numerous times.

Arrie Hernandez and Courtney Diamond.

Hands down, some of the best friends I've ever had. They don't talk smack on me behind my back. They don't talk smack IN FRONT OF MY FACE. They don't try to be better than me. They don't lie to me. They don't care about that stuff. They just love me for me and want to have a good dandy time with us girls. And that's what I've needed this whole time.

You two are the best friends I could ever ask for. You've given me the funnest experiences I can ever remember and I can't even imagine the fun we have to come. I really do love you girls so much. Thanks for being the answers to my prayers. I hope I can give you girls everything you've given me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


A Sluff Worth While

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Yesterday I sluffed 5th period. Bad Aly, bad! Nah. Not really. I went with my dad to see Thomas S. Monson, president of the LDS church, speak at a BYU devotional. It may have been the most eye opening experience I've had in a really long time. I went into the Marriott Center with a not so great attitude. To be honest, I don't like going to religious things. I love religion and think it's absolutely beautiful that we can all have different beliefs about this life, prior lies and even later ones. But sometimes I feel like it's misinterpreted, people take it in the wrong ways. So I will admit, I wasn't too happy to be there, but I was out of 5th period psychology so THAT was a bonus.

I sat at the very top of the arena with my dad. I scooted away from him, he scooted toward me and put his arm around me. He told me he loved me. I stayed silent. My mind raced at the speed of light, but at the same time, it was completely emotionless. It was a weird feeling. A feeling I've never had before. I watched college students alike shuffle into the arena. Tall kids, short kids, black kids, white kids, kids in wheelchairs, kids using sign language- THAT was amazing. Every kind of ethnicity and ability you can think of, it felt like I saw at least one of each. It seemed like a million people in that room; just to see one old man talk about religion.

An old guy started playing the organ. I laughed at him a little bit inside. He was brittle, his hair looked like a thin layer of straw on top of his head. The music was pretty, though. People were quiet, but still there was a wave of side conversations being held in whispered tones throughout the 22,700 occupied seats in the arena. I put my head down. Thinking, of course. I'm always thinking. Thinking about these people. They all have smiles on their faces, they all know for themselves who they are and where they're going, they all know the purpose of life. Then the whispered conversations ended, and the sound of denim rubbing together filled the audience. People were slowly standing up. Some people cried. I looked down what seemed to be a million miles down to the stage. President Monson walked up onto the stand. It was quiet, despite the hymns being played by the man with silly hair and bony structure.

President Monson spoke. He was funny, I giggled a couple of times even though I thought I didn't want to be there. That feeling did wear off. Throughout his talk, I really just watched the people in that huge arena.

I watched the cute couple next to me, who looked to be newly weds. They loved each other and believe they will be together forever. That made me smile.

I watched the group of guys, who looked to be macho men.
They weren't too cool to be at a religious event.
That made me smile.

I looked at the group of deaf students at the bottom, signing the hymns sung.
They weren't playing their 'pity me' card.
That made me smile.

I did pay attention to some of President Monson's talk, though. Coincidentally enough, he talked about how young adult should try to find out their beliefs for themselves; that living off of other people's testimonies in their churches wasn't always going to be good enough. They needed to know what they believed in.
I think I know now.

I believe in what makes me happy.

It's that easy. Religion doesn't need to be rules and books and doctrine. Sure, that's nice. But isn't religion supposed to bring happiness? Making people happy brings me happiness. Telling the truth brings me happiness. Being my best self brings me happiness. Respecting EVERYONE brings me happiness.

That's what I believe in.

Being a good person, trying your best to please God in every way possible. Because there IS a God. There's no way this beautiful world could have been made without God's hand, and we see God's hand in all things. So give back... not just by being a cookie cutter, church going, scripture reading, person. But by being a good person with a gentle heart, being open and inviting to other people, serving people who need it AND people who don't. Make people happy, and you'll make yourself happy.

So no, I may not be into completely organized religion. I may not believe in what everyone else does, that's not the point of individuality and religion. It was there all along, but it took me an arena full of college kids, an old man from Salt Lake City, and a brittle man playing an organ to see that. But I can 110% honestly say that I'm happy with the things I believe in now. And that's the point of life, isn't it? Be happy, make others happy with you, and NEVER forget,

God is good.

The Things I Miss Most

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Today I was thinking, which is no surprise- I think way more than I should. It's been almost exactly 5 months since I moved out of Alpine. Holy. Freaking. Crap.

I grew up in Alpine, in the same house, with the same neighbors, same elementary school, same middle school. Alpine is a small town. Burgess Park was always the meet up spot. Especially in 6th-7th grade, Burgess was the hang out place. I remember in 6th grade Maddie, Tara and I were getting dolled up to go watch the boys' baseball game at Burgess. Maddie was trying to curl her hair with a brush and it got caught in her bangs, so she kept the brush in her hair and rode her scooter to Burgess with a brush hitting her forehead with every little bump on the road.

The Peppermint Place was always an adventure. I'll never forget going down to the candy store to watch the workers pull taffy and make lollipops with big, metal machines. It always smelled so good in there. Walking in was like a dream. Suckers, chocolates, mints, huge chunks of salt water taffies. It was a kid's paradise and I never missed an opportunity to go watch the workers in the big finger print covered windows.

Summer in Alpine seemed boring. Small town, nothing to do. But looking back on all those summers, the most fun I had was when I was doing the normal routine. Meeting Autumn and Brianna at the trampoline in the Commons Area and playing the bouncing game, and one of us ALWAYS ended up wetting our pants from being flung into the air too fast. Walking to Snoasis and getting snow cones, then taking them to Burgess and swinging on the old, creeky swings. I remember when I got my brand new bike, just last summer. Every summer day I would ride down to my best friend Addie's house and we would make stupid dancing videos, play the piano, eat a lot, lay out and get tan (or freckled :) ). We got into a crazy addiction with The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model last summer. We watched every single Tyra Show (the ones that we were interested in, at least) and we watched every cycle of America's Next Top Model. One night we had a camera and took videos of us dancing around in front of my television. Little did I know, I'd never forget that stupid video of two crazy girls on a "boring" Saturday night. The sweetest moments and the things I miss most about Alpine were the simple things. Just little things that I never really noticed until I left. Riding to Addie's house, passing my "boyfriend" Gavin's house and feeling all giggly when I saw his siblings playing in his driveway. There are a few nights I'll never forget.

The night me and Addie went to a party. That party was full of drama and gossiping girls, which wasn't our thing. So we left. Could we drive? Nope. We WALKED. Walked to another party. There were always parties in Alpine, but none of them were all that special. Just boys taking girls phones, girls being flirty back to the boys, me and Addie playing pool and joking about our childhood memories. We were popular, but we weren't really like most of the populars. The second party we went to that night ended up being worse. So we left that one, too. We ended up at my house, watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, stuffing our shirts to look like pregnant women (I named my child L'Michael in case you were wondering), laughing til we fell down, and eating ice cream.
So simple. So perfect.

Just like when our mommies were prego with us :)

The girls night at Kaitlyn Conlee's house. EVERY SINGLE cheerleader was there, and then there was me. We watched movies, did nails, joked around, and then someone had an idea to go doorbell ditch Jerusha's house down the street. She was kinda scary and the girls thought it'd be fun to run away from her yelling parents. So a couple of girls went down the street, and a couple of girls (including Addie and me) stayed at Kaitlyn's house. 5 minutes later the girls all ran into the house like a group of angry, swarming wasps. It was a winter night, so the snow was at least 1 foot high. They were all breathing really hard, but laughing through their lack of breath. They explained that Jerusha's dad yelled some cuss words at them and they booked it down the road. They decided to do it AGAIN. More girls joined this time, but me and Addie again stayed behind, and the result was the same. Girls running into the house laughing and gasping for air. Gabi Isrealsen even lost her boot in the midst of the snow. Except that time, Jerusha's dad not only yelled but chased the girls. Then every single girl decided they wanted to go doorbell ditch, but me and Addie weren't feelin' it so we stayed behind. It was almost more fun with only Addie and me, we were so close that being just the two of us was most comfortable. Before the group of girls returned from Jerusha's, we heard a knock on the door. It was a man. With a gun. Angry man with a gun, actually. We locked every door and ran up to Kaitlyn's room. The girls snuck in through a window and the man remained at the door. Long story short, Addie and I ended up going to my house, watching American Idol reruns, taking funny videos, and eating ice cream.

The day that Jake Irving, Addie and I all hung out. Jake was always that kid you could say anything to. You could talk to him about anything and he was always there when you needed him. I think I secretly loved him all of freshman year. He's adorable. We walked to Snoasis and bought snow cones, and then went to Addie's. We watched The Office for an hour or two and then decided to melt some chocolate, dip Oreo's in it, and freeze them. One of our more unique ideas, you could say. Then we were eventually entertained by making words and funny messages to each other with the magnetic letters on Addie's freezer.

Overall, I think the best memories were with Addison Louise Lamb. Even just walking around Burgess taking random pictures was an adventure with that girl.

So despite my difficult times there, I do miss Alpine. And I'll always have a weakness for Alpine. I'll ALWAYS love Alpine.

Addie. Addie Lou. Addison. My soul sister. I miss her more than I can even say. But that's the joy of missing something right? Seeing her is even sweeter than it was on those summer days at Burgess.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, and the simple things in life really are the sweetest.

Once Upon A Time

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She ran around in her panties with a bowl of Cheetos and life was beautiful, all the time, it was purely beautiful. She didn't know the meaning of worry; she had no reason to. She didn't know the meaning of despair; she had never endured it. She didn't know the meaning of regret; she had none. Life was flawless; easy; nothing she couldn't handle.

Once upon a time this little girl and her cousins found a log in the middle of some trees by a stream behind Grandma's house. They built a fort where no one but them could stay. They took chips and pickles and Twinkies galore to their hideout they titled, Secret Meadows. The four of them shared secrets in the Secret Meadows, they played games, they laughed. The little girl climbed trees and one day she fell and scraped her knee. It bled, she cried. But her cousins always helped her up and they began feeding the ducks in the stream again. 

Once upon a time this little girl was coloring with her best friend Autumn. They were singing, laughing, playing. They were always singing. She wanted to sing for millions upon millions of people on a giant stage, hearing them chant her name. But then the little girls both wanted that pink crayon. They stopped singing, laughing, and playing and started to yell at each other. They bickered, cried, hit, scratched, pinched, until Autumn's mommy broke it up. Five minutes later they were back to singing, laughing, playing. Like it had never happened.

Then one day, this little girl kicked her mommy. She yelled at her daddy. She cried when she didn't get what she wanted. But somehow they still loved her. Even after you mess up, everything goes back to normal and it's like it never happened. You go back to routine and forget anything happened; she thought.

Once upon a time this little girl wasn't a little girl anymore. She grew up. She turned 14. She got her first kiss in her Prince Charming's backyard, surrounded by trees. It was so romantic; a storybook scenario, despite the slimy mud beneath her feet. She didn't care about the mud; she only cared that their lips touched for a millisecond. It was a millisecond, but it was a millisecond she wanted so bad. But then she learned that even in storybooks, the endings aren't always a beautiful sunset followed by a faded black screen and pretty cursive letters tracing the words "And they all lived happily ever after". Sometimes, the letters just traced "The End". Sometimes, the letters never even appeared. The sunset was often followed by mere silence. Suddenly, life was no longer all flawless all the time.

Once upon a time this girl had friends. Friends never leave you, they're always there for you and don't leave you when you need them most- she thought. Well those friends, they turned her back on her. She had never known loneliness, nor the sting of people's cruel words. But she always had that fair skinned, light haired, freckled best friend when she needed her. Addie Lou. Addie Lou was always a friend. Addie Lou got her through the hard times. She always did.

Once upon a time this girl moved away from her childhood town. She moved away from Addie Lou's house. Away from her Prince Charming's tree filled backyard. Away from Secret Meadows. Away from Grandma and Grandpa's house. It was a new experience; something she'd never gone through. But she loved it. The thrill of being the new girl; the thrill of having new roads and places to explore.

Then this girl messed up. She didn't just kick her mom or yell at her dad. She didn't just forget to hang up her clothes. She didn't just flunk a test. She really really messed up. She cried. She tried to forget. She didn't. She tried to sleep. She didn't. She tried to smile. She did, but only she knew how fake it was.

Suddenly she wanted to be that little girl in her panties, eating Cheetos, watching Barney, talking in that little raspy voice. She didn't care about growing up. She didn't want to. She didn't care whether she got a millisecond of a kiss or got to feed the ducks at Secret Meadows. She didn't even care whether she got to stand on a stage and sing for millions of screaming people. All she wanted was to be that little girl again.

Oh what she'd do to be that little girl again. To not know the feelings of worry; despair; regret. To not carry around weights of mistakes she makes every single day, some much much bigger than others. To not care to know what the meaning of life was, cause it didn't seem to matter.

Once upon a time that girl spent her Sunday night blogging. Praying. Blogging. Praying. Just trying to find closure. And maybe one day, just MAYBE, she'll be able to say that

once upon a time, she found that closure.

But for now, this particular story fades in silence.

Lesson 1: Expect No More

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lots of my posts are negative. Ha I promise I'm not a negative person. I really do smile and laugh a lot, and life is super good. But there's a lot of stuff that I think about but I don't share with people. I don't wanna talk about negative stuff all the time. So I blog about it. Haha point is, I'm really an optimistic child! :) Keep that in mind. Now that that's established...

Wanna know what I hate? Middle ground. Gray areas. Like I mentioned in my last post, just not knowing. It kinda sucks. Looking into the future and not knowing what to expect. Not even a little bit. So much changes within a year. A month. A week. A day. Even just one second. Something can happen that effects your whole future, and you never know where you're headed... no matter what you think.

I really like having things figured out. Knowing when something will happen, what's going on, yadda yadda. Sure, I love surprises. Who doesn't? But I feel most comfortable when I know what to expect. Maybe that's what my issue is. I've always been really confused with time, and I've always wondered why time was always against me. Things never went right at the right time. But really, I shouldn't expect things to happen. That's one thing I've really learned this year. The more you expect, the more upset you are. Not to be a Debby Downer, but expectations only let you down. Sure, sometimes they're fulfilled and that's absolutely fabulous. But most of the time, they really just build you up to be torn down.

Lately, I've made some expectations with people. Everyday just hurts even more, cause what I want to happen doesn't happen. It's totally fine, I'm not complaining. Fate will make it happen when it needs to. But the fact that I built up these expectations makes it harder for me to wait. Just another lesson for me to learn, though. So many lessons to learn in high school and I'm only a sophomore.
If there's one expectation I'm going to make, it's that high school will be a good experience. I'm gonna make it that way. So really, that's not an expectation. It's a goal. There's a difference. To me, at least.

Expectation: waiting for something to happen without putting all of your effort into it

Goal: striving to reach something, trying with every ounce of drive you have to accomplish something.

To me, there's a big difference. A world of a difference. So lesson learned: don't expect. Hope. Strive. Try.

Maybe one day it'll pay off.

"All That I Know Is I Don't Know"

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I listen to a lot of music. Tons. Loads. Almost too much. No, actually. There can NEVER be too much music. But I definitely listen to the maximum amount of music as possible. Every kind, really. Except for country. Not a fan. Anyways, I've been listening to a particular song lately. It makes me bawl. Now you have to know, I used to cry over everything. I was such a baby when I was little. But I'm tough now, and I usually don't cry too easy... unless hormones are going insane, of course. When I listen to this song, I can't hold myself together. I just can't. There's one line in this song that gets me thinking:

All that I know is I don't know...

I know, quite profound right? I think about it a lot. It basically sums up my life right now. I'm a happy girl, loving life, making the best of every situation. But still, I just don't know.

I dont know what I want. What are you talking about, Al? Of course you know what you want. Well, in a sense... yes. I definitely know what I want. But I don't think what I want, wants me back. Some days I think otherwise, but some days I don't. The rules change everyday. And I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if I should keep wanting what I want, or just to give up on it all. I don't know what it is that's keeping me trying. I don't know if it's real faith, or just blind optimism of a stupid, naive high school girl.

I dont know why I, and every normal human being, has to endure so much. It doesn't seem quite fair to me. If there's one thing I DO know, it's that I love my family to pieces. They've helped me through so much. I can't even BEGIN to explain how many nights last year that I curled up in a ball and cried at night. After about 20 minutes, I would hear my mom come down those stairs and knock on my door. She came into my room and rubbed my back while I cried and cried. Life wasn't fair. It never really is. No matter how much good is going on, there's always something to be improved or fixed. How pessimistic of me, I know. But it's reality. It's blunt honesty. It's just another thing I don't know.

I dont know why people are so critical, so judgmental, so harsh. I watch a lot of fashion and runway shows. I'm really into that, and I would love to work in that industry. But people are so SO harsh. Especially on girls. I don't know why expectations are so high for us ladies. I've mentioned it in my blog many many times, cause it's a big deal to me. But to me, beauty is being you. Beauty is not caring what people think. Beauty is knowing who you are, and loving yourself for that. And I don't know why the rest of the nation has such different views on that.


I don't know how to get through things. There's one thing going on right now that I don't think I'm handling very well. My friend Devin, the one I wrote a post about in July, is very very sick. He was expected to die a couple months ago, but he's still going. I'm a wreck about it. I check every couple of hours to see if he's still okay. Truth is, he's not okay. He's hanging by a thread. I don't know why that's fair. I don't understand why such a beautiful, innocent boy has to endure so much. Some people are good with knowing there's a reason for everything, I'm not as blessed with that ability as I wish I was. I don't know. I just. don't. know.

Hm. That was a random post. Random thoughts, random feelings just flowing out through my fingers onto this blog. There's lots I don't know. Some of it will come with time. Some will just remain questions for the rest of my life. And that absolutely kills me.

Welp. If I know one thing, it's that my hair is insane and I should probably shower.

Nighty night.

Provo High Trash Cans Smell... Really Bad

Monday, August 22, 2011

Today, I went to Provo High. It wasn't an offical day, and I didn't go to any classes or anything. But I'm offically a student. WOWZERS. I know it's super cliche, but I've honestly waited for this day for months. Everyday in the second semester of freshman year in 2nd period, I would just sit and wish I was at Provo High. So so badly. I hated my school. I definitely could have handled it better. But I hated it. I remember exactly how it started.

I started going to Provo High School sports games and stuff around August. Everyone I met was so sweet, but I never really wanted to go to school there. Until that party at Makayla's house in November. Oh man. That was the hardest night. I showed up, and people said the rudest things. They did things that you only see in cliquey high school movies. I knew that my school was cliquey and somewhat bratty, but I hadn't really seen that bad of it for a while.

I had always been in the popular group. It was me, Kira, Tara, Maddi, Zoe, Sydnie, Hannah, and tons more girls. From 4th-8th grade, we kinda ran our school. Well, we thought we did. We walked like we did. We talked like we did. But it was around November, around the time of that party, that I realized I couldn't do it anymore. Despite the fact that I was one of "them", they pushed me around. They treated me like dirt.

At that party, I finally felt that. I finally realized I was walked all over by them, and frankly- unimportant. So I left. Worst part? No one noticed. Not even my best friends called to see where I went. My absence went unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, that's no big deal, I don't need to be the center of attention. In fact, I'd rather NOT be. But knowing that no one really cared enough to notice, that hurt really bad. And after that night, I gave up.

I stopped going to 3 parties every weekend night.
I stopped worrying about who I was gonna go to lunch with.
I stopped wearing designer jeans and doing my hair all the time.
Bottom line...
I stopped caring what people thought of me.

Clearly, they didn't care much about me anyways. And they really weren't true friends, so I stopped living to please everyone else. I started to do what I wanted to do, and started to please ME.

And that's the best thing I think I've ever done.

Around November is when I started wanting to go to Provo High. I was getting closer with friends there, and I knew 110% that they were real friends. Friends who would stick beside me, who would notice if I left, who wouldn't care if I wore $10 jeans and Nike's. I wanted to have that laid back atmosphere SO bad, because I was finally realizing that I never really had it.

One thing led to another, and here I am today after my first day as a Provo High student.  :) Ah. So smiley about that. I love my friends here. They're hilarious. They tease me, I tease them, but we all know it's funny and we love each other regardless.

In fact, today my buddy Marcelo trash canned me. Hahahaha. Such a struggle, I know. He just pushed me backwards into the trash can and I went in there like it wasn't NOTHIN'. Hahaha I wasn't mad and I wasn't happy. I was just confused. Like, why am I in a trash can and why are people thinking it's funny? Then I felt the liquid go down my butt. That was when I knew I had to destroy Marcelo. It was funny. They all took their pictures and put them on Facebook and Twitter and what not. But they helped me out and said it was for my 'Welcome to Provo High' experience. Silly kids. :)

Overall, it was a good day. And there's still more day to come! It's only 4!  Yay! Tomorrow will be my first full school day at PHS. I'm hoping I don't get lost or anything. Knowing me, I will.

But hey, at least I've got some solid friends that have my back... in the trash can, that is.

Being a Female

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Well. I haven't posted for like months. This is mildly awkward. Hi there. In case you've forgotten, I'm Aly. I'm short, I'm a snuggle bug, and I love apple sauce and cereal. Now that that's established...

let's get to the point of this post.

Wanna know what sucks? Being a girl. It's not all that it's cracked up to be! Not only like cramping, or being on your period, or being expected to push babies out of yourself. There's much MUCH more that sucks about being a girl. Trust me.

People expecting you to look good all the time. Ha. Nice. We're supposed to paint our nails, do our hair, wear make up, have cute clothes, be skinny. AH GOODNESS. I absolutely hate the skinny stereotype. Screw that, gimme some fries. Image is so distorted- especially for girls and women. Guys can wear almost anything and not be judged. But if girls wear something weird, you're definitely gonna hear about it. In a nutshell, we're supposed to look 'slam slam oh hot dayyyyum' all the time. If you ask me, I say that's jank. And that's the end of that.

Wanna know what else sucks? Other girls. Someone please tell me why girls hate each other? I'm so lost. I'M A GIRL and I don't even know why all of us females hate each other. I personally don't hate people! SO many girls talk trash on me and hate me, and I don't even know why! I smile at them and tell them they look cute, and suddenly I'm like a member of some mafia that I wasn't informed about. So confusing. So unnecessary. So baffling.

Boys. FRICK. Boys are the worst. I love 'em. I hate 'em. Lots of girls are totally boy crazy. I don't consider myself boy crazy at all. That's just creeps. But boys really do make you wanna punch someone in the face. The worst is when you're stuck on ONE boy and things just won't go your way! You feel helpless. You feel inferior. You feel vulnerable. But as long as there's still the slightest chance of getting this boy, you just can't give up. That's THE BIGGEST FORM of girl suicide!

I think girls think way more than guys do. Who am I kidding. Of COURSE they do. Boys' brains just don't operate right. They think about girls, sports, and food. So yes, girls DEFINITELY think more than guys. I think it's something scientific. Like our brains were made to worry about things and over think everything. Cause I definitely over think everything, as does every other girl in the nation.

Girls also have to shave their legs and their armpits and wax their eyebrows and such. Can someone remind me why it's okay for men to have 6 inch long hairs under their arms? Or long, grody hair on their legs? Or an eyebrow that just seems to stare at you, taunting your every move? It makes no sense! Are soft legs sexy? Most likely. If so, why on earth don't guys shave their legs too? Don't they wanna look sexy? I'm so confused.
Like I mentioned earlier in this post, we're expected to have kids. Our bodies are like 10% fattier than the average man's body, cause our tummy's are supposed to stretch with a child inside there. Um really? Couldn't we have been asked if we want children, prior to having more fat than men? Cause I don't want a kid, but I'm stuck with 10% more fat than the average dude! UNFAIR. SEXIST. Me no likey.

Oh oh oh. Here's another one. The stereotype of women is to be stay at home mom's. Wearing neat little aprons, kneeling down and mopping the floors by hand, baking banana bread for the children when they get home. NO. I will wear t-shirts, I will mop the floor with a Swiffer Wet Jet, and my husband can eat frozen pizza and apple sauce.

Other than that kind of stuff, being a girl is quite fun. It all pays off when a guy looks at you with "that look", or when you realize you can do the splits, or when the 'ladies first' rule applies, or when boys open doors for you. So yes. Despite all the complications of being a girl, it's not all that bad after all.


Devin Harris: You Are My Hero

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I've seen lots of people pass away in my lifetime, whether it be expected or not.

I saw my great grandparents pass away at old ages.
I saw my aunt pass away due to bad decisions.
I saw a friend passed away because she didn't want to pursue this life anymore.
I saw a friend pass away in childbirth, and her brand new baby girl with her as well.
I saw a neighborhood friend pass away due to health problems.
I saw a friend pass away because he gave up.
I saw a friend's father pass away completely unexpectedly.

My point is, life doesn't last forever. And whenever it ends,

it really doesn't seem fair.

Devin Harris has always been that kid that puts the BIGGEST smile on your face, no matter how hard you try to keep it off. In elementary school, he was always playing four square. Laughing. Jumping. Yelling. Running. Shooting hoops. Playing with his friends- oh, he had SO many friends. But there's something different about Dev.

He is blind.

That's a hard spot to be in. If it were me, I'd probably be throwing myself a pity party every day. Whining, complaining, moaning, feeling just plain sorry for myself. Devin has always been exactly the opposite.

I remember him walking around with his cane, he always wore this fleece red sweater. He walked on his tip toes a lot, and he was ALWAYS smiling. I can honestly say I never saw Devin without a smile on his face.

When I was in sixth grade, Devin was in fifth. My two friends and I would eat lunch with him, helping him eat, and then going out to play four square. He knew who I was by the sound of my voice, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. When spring hit, Devin wanted to learn to play basketball. So a group of us taught him how to shoot. He got to the point where he could make shots. Every time we told him he made a basket, his face lit up and he would get jumpy and excited. Honestly, I would give ANYTHING to see that reaction again.

In middle school, Devin was diagnosed with cancer. He was eventually put in a wheel chair, and they got him on chemo therapy (I believe that's what they had him on). Seeing Devin come to school everyday with a smile on his face, despite his circumstances, inspired me.

He inspired me more than he will ever know.

Watching Devin's family inspired me just as much as he did. His brother, Derrick was amazing with him. Absolutely, positively incredible. I've never seen so much love from a brother to another brother. It baffles me, really. As for Devin's parents, WOW. No one can comprehend the strength, faith, patience, and love it took these parents to go through this. It's not even comprehensive to me.

At my middle school's talent show my eighth grade year, my friend Kira (who was also a friend who helped Devin in elementary school) and I sang. We were pretty excited, because we had the chance to sing in both assemblies. We sang in the first, and it went fabulous. Then we were told we couldn't be in the second. We were mad, to say the least. We sat in the audience and watched the show. Then the last number came on, which was supposed to be us. It was Devin Harris in his wheel chair, along with his friend who had a guitar. Devin sang a song he wrote called "Kill the Cancer Man". It was basically about how whoever cancer is should die, and we all need to try and kill the 'cancer man'. Long story short, 

Kira and I bawled in the back of the auditorium like little babies.

This kid is an inspiration. We all knew that he would be leaving this life early, but it never really hit me. I guess I would just wishfully think that he would miraculously heal and be able to live a long, happy life.
 I got a call Monday and was told that he's in really bad condition. If I understand right, the people at the hospital said that his organs are all being forced to one side and his lungs are being smashed. Only one of his lungs is available to breathe through, and it is filling up with fluids. In simpler terms, it's almost like he's drowning. (Again- I'm not sure if this is 100% correct, but it is the basic idea). They don't expect him to last past this week.

Heart: broken.

First thoughts: Devin's family does not deserve this, his friends do not deserve this. Oh but guess what. I thought, and I thought, and I thought some more. In fact, I didn't get much sleep this week at all. Devin deserves this. He has fought and fought his whole entire life, and done nothing but smile. Laugh. Give. Inspire other people. He deserves nothing more than to share that smile somewhere that he doesn't feel pain.

Dev, you define a hero. You will never know the impact you made on me. And as sad at it is to see him go, I'll leave y'all with this.

It's a peaceful thing when you know that heaven gets new angels every day, but it's an even more beautiful realization when you know that heaven is getting an angel like Dev.

Love you Devin. 

Aly the Brat

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Tonight, my bratty side comes out. No, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm in a great mood, actually. But I think this would be a pretty fun thing to blog about...

Things people need to hear.
Sometimes people just do/say things that make me go, "Why were you born?" Really. Some things I see make me want to throw things at people, or make my knuckle prints a permanent feature of their face because they don't understand their stupidity. So here we go folks, the top 10 things people need to hear, but don't.

#10:Hey lady, don't wear shorts shorter than your daughter's. You look like you belong in Vegas.
#9: I know you're trying to be a good dad, but you do NOT need to wear a Goofy hat around Disney Land for your kid to love you. Buy your kid a churro or something instead. Please.

#8: Darling, you don't look tan. You look like you rolled around in a bag of Cheeto's.

#7: I know that you two are in love, but PLEASE keep the love in an area appropriate. In the middle of a mosh pit at a dance party isn't super romantic anyway.

#6: Must you yell to make me notice you? All you're doing is making me think you're obnoxious.

#5: Whoa, your parents own a Ferrari? That's tight... but they own you too, so you ain't as cool as you think you are, pal.

#4: Once you turn 30 (and even that is pushin' it), PLEASE don't go to dance parties. You don't look hip. You look like a 1974 Buick in the middle of a Range Rover sales lot.

#3: Why the bloody devil do you have your kid on a leash? Did you buy him, along with his packaged food, for 10 bucks in the Wal Mart parking lot? Treat him like a human being, not a K9.

#2: Sweetheart, you're 12... you are not in love with him.

#1: Only one person on this earth can pull off sunglasses when it's not sunny... and that is Usher. Are you Usher? No. So quit tryna be cool, take your sunglasses off & grocery shop like a normal person.

Well that's 10 of VERY many things that people need to come to realization with. Yes, I realize I sound like a total complete brat. But I think it's fun to make fun of things people do.

Chances are, people make fun of things I do all the time.