heaven is a half pipe

Happy New Year. Almost.

I can't believe it'll be the year 2013.

Whoa.

2013.

It feels so weird to say. I feel like once you FINALLY get used to writing the correct year on your papers, the year changes. Life goes by so fast.

Well.. On New Year's Day last year, I got the news that my good friend Brandon Vance hung himself on New Year's Eve.

I still remember moments with him really clearly, which at times, I am grateful for. But sometimes I wish I didn't remember so much...

Like the time we went to the Alpine cemetery with a bunch of kids and just sat in a circle and talked, cuddling up with blankets on a spring night. He's buried there now.

Or the times we walked home together, and he hugged me on the corner by his house.

That time I snuck up on him in his garage while he was skating and blasting A Day to Remember.

The time he told me over text that I was pretty, and I jumped on my bed so high that my head hit the ceiling.

Like the time when he wanted to kiss me, but I refused to.

Sometimes I think about that and wish I did.

It's a weird feeling; losing someone like this. Because you feel like you could've done something, and that alone is what tugs at me and keeps the questions coming. Not even the fact that he's gone, but the fact that maybe I could've prevented it if I didn't push him away when he started drinking, or if I didn't ignore his last Facebook status saying, "I'll never forgive myself." I should've reached out, rather than give up on him. But what happened... it happened.

It's done, and there is no turning back time, even though I wish I could.

There's lots of things I wish.

I wish I would've at least tried to help him... so that when/if he did still die, I would know that at least I tried.

I wish I could walk home from Timberline Middle School with him just one more time, and get one of his bear hugs at the corner, or watch him from the bushes across the street while he skated in his garage.

I wish I didn't push him away when I found out he was drinking and smoking. I wish I would've been a good influence, instead of just running away.

I hope he knew I cared. I hope he's happy, because he genuinely deserves it so much. I hope he's got it all figured out up there now- and I hope he's still a free spirit, just like he always was here.

I guess there was no point for me writing this, other than getting feelings and memories out. I just want to honor him now, if that makes any sense at all. I just don't want tomorrow to be hard for me, I want to be able to have a good night with my girls and NOT think about what happened a short 365 days ago.

"I wish I knew. It might make me miss him more clearly. It might have made sad sense."

-Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chibosky, pg. 4

I love you, Bridget.

I cannot wait until the day we are reunited, and you can finally teach me some sick tricks on a board.

Heaven is a half pipe!