"All That I Know Is I Don't Know"

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I listen to a lot of music. Tons. Loads. Almost too much. No, actually. There can NEVER be too much music. But I definitely listen to the maximum amount of music as possible. Every kind, really. Except for country. Not a fan. Anyways, I've been listening to a particular song lately. It makes me bawl. Now you have to know, I used to cry over everything. I was such a baby when I was little. But I'm tough now, and I usually don't cry too easy... unless hormones are going insane, of course. When I listen to this song, I can't hold myself together. I just can't. There's one line in this song that gets me thinking:

All that I know is I don't know...

I know, quite profound right? I think about it a lot. It basically sums up my life right now. I'm a happy girl, loving life, making the best of every situation. But still, I just don't know.

I dont know what I want. What are you talking about, Al? Of course you know what you want. Well, in a sense... yes. I definitely know what I want. But I don't think what I want, wants me back. Some days I think otherwise, but some days I don't. The rules change everyday. And I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if I should keep wanting what I want, or just to give up on it all. I don't know what it is that's keeping me trying. I don't know if it's real faith, or just blind optimism of a stupid, naive high school girl.

I dont know why I, and every normal human being, has to endure so much. It doesn't seem quite fair to me. If there's one thing I DO know, it's that I love my family to pieces. They've helped me through so much. I can't even BEGIN to explain how many nights last year that I curled up in a ball and cried at night. After about 20 minutes, I would hear my mom come down those stairs and knock on my door. She came into my room and rubbed my back while I cried and cried. Life wasn't fair. It never really is. No matter how much good is going on, there's always something to be improved or fixed. How pessimistic of me, I know. But it's reality. It's blunt honesty. It's just another thing I don't know.

I dont know why people are so critical, so judgmental, so harsh. I watch a lot of fashion and runway shows. I'm really into that, and I would love to work in that industry. But people are so SO harsh. Especially on girls. I don't know why expectations are so high for us ladies. I've mentioned it in my blog many many times, cause it's a big deal to me. But to me, beauty is being you. Beauty is not caring what people think. Beauty is knowing who you are, and loving yourself for that. And I don't know why the rest of the nation has such different views on that.


I don't know how to get through things. There's one thing going on right now that I don't think I'm handling very well. My friend Devin, the one I wrote a post about in July, is very very sick. He was expected to die a couple months ago, but he's still going. I'm a wreck about it. I check every couple of hours to see if he's still okay. Truth is, he's not okay. He's hanging by a thread. I don't know why that's fair. I don't understand why such a beautiful, innocent boy has to endure so much. Some people are good with knowing there's a reason for everything, I'm not as blessed with that ability as I wish I was. I don't know. I just. don't. know.

Hm. That was a random post. Random thoughts, random feelings just flowing out through my fingers onto this blog. There's lots I don't know. Some of it will come with time. Some will just remain questions for the rest of my life. And that absolutely kills me.

Welp. If I know one thing, it's that my hair is insane and I should probably shower.

Nighty night.

Leave a Comment

Post a Comment