Stupid Stupid Me

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I'm so stupid. There's no other words to explain this whole year. I'm so. so. stupid. I'm vulnerable, really. I have done so many things this year, even in the past couple of months, to make me stupid. I've chosen boys over parents, friends over family. It's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid Aly.

There is nothing I want more than a relationship with my mom like the one we used to have. I don't know what broke it. But whatever it is, I hate it. I hate it more than anything in this world. Maybe it's me and my selfish, teenage nature; or my carelessness for the future. I really don't have the slightest clue what it was that ruined us. Maybe it was HIM, which freaking sucks. But maybe it was. In fact, I know it was HIM. No, it was how I acted when I was with him. All I could focus on was him. What HE was up to, if HE was okay, what HE needed, when I was going to be able to see HIM. I completely removed myself from the family and I didn't realize it, but I was willing to sabotage my relationship with them for my relationship with him. I really don't think it was HIM who changed me. He wasn't on a mission to make me not care about my family. He didn't want to ruin that relationship. I honestly think it was me. I was the one who trusted him more than anyone else. Even more than my own family.

After that whole HIM thing ended though, I was doing a lot better. Actually doing my homework (to the best of my abilities, at least). I was going out on weekends and doing exactly what I said I was doing. I was smiling for reals. I wasn't worried about anything, because I knew that I was becoming easier to trust again, and I felt like my parents knew that as well. I was doing it all so I could show my parents that I could be with HIM again, withing it taking a toll on our family relationships.

But howdy freaking doo, I messed everything up. Why? Cause I didn't listen to my gut. I wasn't where I said I was. And in the gut of my gut of my gut, (yes, quite deep) I felt like I should've just stayed home and not risked anything. I really didn't do anything terrible. Didn't kiss any boys. Didn't smoke any weed. Didn't drink any alcohol. There was none of that crap at this kids house. I stay as FAR away from that as possible. We really were just hanging out, listening to techno music and telling those dumb jokes like, "Why did Bob fall off the bike? ... Because Bob was a fish." It really was just a bunch of kids being weirdos. Any teenager would say I don't have anything to feel totally terribly guilty about. But I think not being completely honest with someone who has given up their WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE for YOU is the worst thing you can do. Even if it's the slightest lie, like "I'm at Timpview" when you're really at Jeremy's or Tysen's or whoever's house, being dorky teenagers.
I don't want to lose anyone's trust. Having someone's trust is the best feeling in the world. Knowing that you can be completely honest with someone, and they will never doubt or question you. It's almost like being a V.I.P. or something. You have that police man badge and you can get free donuts without being questioned. But once you lose that dang badge, you're screwed.

What can I say, I'm a kid. I try my very best to be my very best but I mess up. I mess up way more than I should. The biggest mistakes I make are caused by not listening to my gut. I just need to do that. Maybe I'll name my gut feelings, just so I can feel a personal relationship with them and learn to trust them. Okay that's ridiculous. But really, I need to trust my gut. It's funny, I tend to trust other people than I trust myself sometimes. Lots of people do that. Lots of TEENAGERS do that. It's scary. But I'm done being a statistic. I'm gonna be ALY: the girl who listens to her gut.

THAT, my friends, is my goal.

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