ANYTHING but this

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Today I went to school. I came home. I did homework for about 3 hours. I showered. I lied in bed listening to country music. Not a great day. Honestly, it wasn't even a good day at all. I've got Devin on my mind. I miss knowing that he's sitting on his couch reading magazines in brail; I miss having even a glimpse of hope for him to pull through and miraculously heal. I don't know, maybe it's silly. But that was comfort for me, knowing he was living here, on this same earth as I am. I just want to be who he wants me to be. I want to be worthy of his friendship and presence still in my life. But still, I'm feeling uncomfortable lately. With a lot.

I've decided this is not the person I want to be. I don't know who I want to be. Maybe the pretty, blonde cheerleader who every guy would KILL to be with. Maybe the awkward girl who no one knows if they like or not. Maybe the girl who isn't so pretty, but has a not so pretty boyfriend and they both lived happily ever after. I don't know who it is that I want to be, but it's NOT this. It's ANYTHING but this. I don't want to always know of the things I've done and carry them in the back of my mind. I don't want to look in the mirror and see what I see now. I don't want to go to math class and know I'm the dumb one. I don't want to know in the back of my mind that I was played for a year by someone who I thought was Superman, but he clearly was the only villain in the story.
I don't want this to be me.

When I look in the mirror, I want to see Barbara Palvin, except with the body of Blake Lively and the hair of Miley Cyrus;  the striking green eyes of Nicole Fox, the full lips of Beyonce Knowles and the bronze skin of Jennifer Lopez. I want to open my mouth and have the voice of Christina Aguilera and when I dance I want everything to look effortless, like Melanie Moore. I want people to look at me and see their faces go like this: 


Most importantly, I want to look at myself and do this.


Maybe I should quit eating so much. Maybe I should run 10 miles a day. Maybe I should do sit ups every time I eat. Maybe I should sleep with beauty cream on my face. Maybe I should drink gross health shakes in the morning. I don't freaking know.

I want to make my parents proud. I want to be smart, I want to get straight A's like it's nothing. I want everything to come easy. I want to be a Sterling Scholar and get scholarships to schools all over the world. But at the same time, I don't. That's the life I feel like I SHOULD live, but it's not the one I'd be happy living. I just need to decide between the two: what would make me happy or what would make me look better.

I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe it's the loss of Devin. Or maybe it's this time of year, the time when my aunt passed. Trying to be who they want me to be, whoever that girl is. But what I do know is, I'm not who I MYSELF want to be. And that scares me a little bit. Not just because I'm not satisfied, but because I've been here before. I've been in this EXACT position. And I don't want to go back, but sometimes it's out of my control.

I have to change this. And I have to change it before it starts to really eat at me.

No pun intended.

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