in god i trust

Sunday, February 5, 2012

This floor is cold and hard.
My knees hurt.
I don't know when this happened, or when God decided to let my life come to a point such as this.
But here I am, kneeling on this cold hard tile floor.
I remember why I'm here and suddenly I can't hold myself anymore, I feel a burden literally thrown onto my shoulders.
I collapse.
It hurts my lungs. I gasp for breath.
I realize that it's a tight fit in here.
I turn the faucet on, and for a moment, it distracts me from reality. It's peaceful in a sense. The cold soothes my nerves, but the rock solid foundation pushes my ribs into my lungs, forcing me to gasp for every breath I attempt to take in.
None of this feels real.
I feel like I won't even remember this tomorrow.
But that's just wishful thinking.
Who'd have known that throughout this desperate endeavor of mine, this is where I would end up.
On a bathroom floor, in the middle of winter, wishing I was somewhere else.
anywhere other than this world.
Oh Lord, I trust you.
I trust you more than I could ever trust myself, or anyone else for that matter.
Because as far as I know, you see all.
You see the whole picture.
Maybe you saved me, or someone, from a lifetime of grief.
I'm sure you have a reason for putting everyone through such battles.
I'd love to know what the reason for all this was.
But you don't need to tell me. No need to send me a sign.
Sure, that'd be great. But I trust you.
Please don't let me down, God...
You're all I have.
Which is why I kneel here on this bathroom floor.
Waiting to hear your voice.
Waiting to know whether you're even there or not.
Waiting for peace.
Maybe it'll come one day.
But for now, I will HOPE that you're here with me in this bathroom, drying my tears.
I stand up. I shake it off. Because I know that if you're real, you'll never take anything from me without giving me something even greater.

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