the angel from my nightmare.

44 days later and I'm still left at a standstill.

I'm lost in my tracks.

I'm finding it impossible to move forward.

Nothing is the same.

Something is always a reminder of you.

Of us.

People skateboarding.

A Day To Remember songs that you would jam to.

The bracelet your mom gave me at your funeral. She told me that every time I looked at that bracelet, I had to remember you. And she made me promise her that every time I saw that bracelet, I would remind myself NOT to fall in to what you so sadly stumbled in to.

I tied it onto my lamp so that every time I left my bedroom, in a sense, you'd be with me.

I miss you.

These dreams I've had.

They're killing me.

I don't know if you're trying to tell me that it's going to be okay, or if it's just a painful coincidence.

But I've dreamt of you for the past 4 nights in a row.

You hug me in these dreams. A lot. Sometimes you kiss me.

They're long hugs. Long kisses. They make me feel like you're never going to leave me.

It feels so real; so vivid.

They're like nightmares.

But you're an angel.

The angel from my nightmare.

I love it.

I hate it.

I love you.

I miss you.

The day you slipped away was not a good one.

I will never forget running to my room and throwing my pillow at the radio.

It fell down with a big bang.

Then everything went silent, besides the Secondhand Serenade drowning out my sobbing.

It felt like slow motion.

Life was going so fast, but at the same time, every second was a lifetime.

That's when I considered the fact that life might never be quite the same.

I was right.

It hasn't been.

I just wish I could see you again. Every single day.

If I had just one wish.

I would wish you back.

Or wish you never smoked pot behind the school; never got into that damn prescription cough syrup; never relapsed and downed that bottle of DXM and took shots of tequila after 3 months of successful rehab.

You were doing so well, honey.

I wish you could bear hug me again.

I miss those hugs.

But if there is one thing I'm certain of at this point...

It's that it wasn't you.

You didn't know what you were doing.

You didn't know you were going to take your own life at the crack of dawn on January 1, 2012.

That time I moved away and you hugged me so tight.

The thought that it'd be the last was so far from my mind.

You never got to teach me that trick on your skateboard.

We never went up to Park City to go down the zip line.

You never taught me how to snowboard.

I wish I could've stopped you.

Everyone tried so hard.

But fate has its ways, and I guess fate needed you more than I did.

I hope you can hear me talk to you late at night.

I hope you can read this.

But these dreams, these dreams will be the death of me.

Because each morning I wake up thinking those dreams are real and you're really here again.

But you're not.

January 1st was a harsh reality.

Brandon, you're the angel from my nightmare.

The only rainbow I get from this storm of confusion is seeing you in my dreams.

Seeing US in my dreams.

Even though it hurts like hell.