Real Love Should Hurt.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Finally summer. Finally. We finally moved. Finally. The past couple of weeks have been surprisingly rough. Being in Provo is fabulous and I'm loving it here. But there's been some stuff going on that I just can't handle.

I'll start with this, as random as it may be...

Don't you love seeing cute little old couples walking together? Holding hands, looking at each other in a way that is so... beautiful. It's just 110% pure love. And it gives me hope to see that love does exist even through times when it seems like it doesn't live for long. For instance, my grandparents are adorable. I look at their love, and I wonder how on earth you can love someone so much, and SO unconditionally. And I also realize I'm a sophomore in high school, I'm not gonna know that sort of love for a LONG while.

With that said, it's never really hit me that one day I'll love someone like that. When I think into the future, I think into what I'll eat for dinner.. not who I'm gonna fall in mad crazy love with. But guess what. I do think I've found something I love. Not to that extent, cause that's a different case. But I do love this thing. Lots. And I recently lost it. I don't even know how it happened, but it did. A simple mistake. A simple misunderstanding. A simple wrong judgement.

A simple heartbreak, actually.

Some things have a reason for happening, and I'm usually alright with accepting that. But this one is a little bit rocky for me. The past couple weeks I've felt (bear with me here while I sound like a teenage girl from a soap opera who can't find her purpose in life, that cliche blah bitty blah bitty blah...) empty. I've felt empty. It's hard to explain. I don't feel empty, like hungry. More like,

I feel empty, sorta like...
not worth as much as I felt I was before.
not nearly as happy as I was before.
not as awake as I was before.. I've been really slouchy.
not as cheerful as I was before.
not as family oriented as I was before.

I've kinda just lost motivation.

I'm thinking it's a stage. Losing someone, or something, you love is supposed to be rough. If it wasn't then it wouldn't be considered love at all. And at 15 years old, you can't expect to love something/someone and never lose it. It's high school. But in this case, I lost this too early. Way too early.
That's what kills me the most.

And I wish some certain people could see everything I see here, rather than not letting go of mistakes made in the past. But I'm strong. I can do this. And what's supposed to happen will happen.

Eventually I'll be fine.
Eventually I'll be able to listen to more than 3 words of a love song without turning it off.
Eventually I'll stop feeling anxious in bed late at night.
Eventually I'll have somewhat of an appetite again.

It's just not so easy to get to that point.

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