Stupid Stupid Me

I'm so stupid. There's no other words to explain this whole year. I'm so. so. stupid. I'm vulnerable, really. I have done so many things this year, even in the past couple of months, to make me stupid. I've chosen boys over parents, friends over family. It's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid Aly.

There is nothing I want more than a relationship with my mom like the one we used to have. I don't know what broke it. But whatever it is, I hate it. I hate it more than anything in this world. Maybe it's me and my selfish, teenage nature; or my carelessness for the future. I really don't have the slightest clue what it was that ruined us. Maybe it was HIM, which freaking sucks. But maybe it was. In fact, I know it was HIM. No, it was how I acted when I was with him. All I could focus on was him. What HE was up to, if HE was okay, what HE needed, when I was going to be able to see HIM. I completely removed myself from the family and I didn't realize it, but I was willing to sabotage my relationship with them for my relationship with him. I really don't think it was HIM who changed me. He wasn't on a mission to make me not care about my family. He didn't want to ruin that relationship. I honestly think it was me. I was the one who trusted him more than anyone else. Even more than my own family.

After that whole HIM thing ended though, I was doing a lot better. Actually doing my homework (to the best of my abilities, at least). I was going out on weekends and doing exactly what I said I was doing. I was smiling for reals. I wasn't worried about anything, because I knew that I was becoming easier to trust again, and I felt like my parents knew that as well. I was doing it all so I could show my parents that I could be with HIM again, withing it taking a toll on our family relationships.

But howdy freaking doo, I messed everything up. Why? Cause I didn't listen to my gut. I wasn't where I said I was. And in the gut of my gut of my gut, (yes, quite deep) I felt like I should've just stayed home and not risked anything. I really didn't do anything terrible. Didn't kiss any boys. Didn't smoke any weed. Didn't drink any alcohol. There was none of that crap at this kids house. I stay as FAR away from that as possible. We really were just hanging out, listening to techno music and telling those dumb jokes like, "Why did Bob fall off the bike? ... Because Bob was a fish." It really was just a bunch of kids being weirdos. Any teenager would say I don't have anything to feel totally terribly guilty about. But I think not being completely honest with someone who has given up their WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE for YOU is the worst thing you can do. Even if it's the slightest lie, like "I'm at Timpview" when you're really at Jeremy's or Tysen's or whoever's house, being dorky teenagers.

I don't want to lose anyone's trust. Having someone's trust is the best feeling in the world. Knowing that you can be completely honest with someone, and they will never doubt or question you. It's almost like being a V.I.P. or something. You have that police man badge and you can get free donuts without being questioned. But once you lose that dang badge, you're screwed.

What can I say, I'm a kid. I try my very best to be my very best but I mess up. I mess up way more than I should. The biggest mistakes I make are caused by not listening to my gut. I just need to do that. Maybe I'll name my gut feelings, just so I can feel a personal relationship with them and learn to trust them. Okay that's ridiculous. But really, I need to trust my gut. It's funny, I tend to trust other people than I trust myself sometimes. Lots of people do that. Lots of TEENAGERS do that. It's scary. But I'm done being a statistic. I'm gonna be ALY: the girl who listens to her gut.

THAT, my friends, is my goal.

ANYTHING but this

Today I went to school. I came home. I did homework for about 3 hours. I showered. I lied in bed listening to country music. Not a great day. Honestly, it wasn't even a good day at all. I've got Devin on my mind. I miss knowing that he's sitting on his couch reading magazines in brail; I miss having even a glimpse of hope for him to pull through and miraculously heal. I don't know, maybe it's silly. But that was comfort for me, knowing he was living here, on this same earth as I am. I just want to be who he wants me to be. I want to be worthy of his friendship and presence still in my life. But still, I'm feeling uncomfortable lately. With a lot.

I've decided this is not the person I want to be. I don't know who I want to be. Maybe the pretty, blonde cheerleader who every guy would KILL to be with. Maybe the awkward girl who no one knows if they like or not. Maybe the girl who isn't so pretty, but has a not so pretty boyfriend and they both lived happily ever after. I don't know who it is that I want to be, but it's NOT this. It's ANYTHING but this. I don't want to always know of the things I've done and carry them in the back of my mind. I don't want to look in the mirror and see what I see now. I don't want to go to math class and know I'm the dumb one. I don't want to know in the back of my mind that I was played for a year by someone who I thought was Superman, but he clearly was the only villain in the story.

I don't want this to be me.

When I look in the mirror, I want to see Barbara Palvin, except with the body of Blake Lively and the hair of Miley Cyrus;  the striking green eyes of Nicole Fox, the full lips of Beyonce Knowles and the bronze skin of Jennifer Lopez. I want to open my mouth and have the voice of Christina Aguilera and when I dance I want everything to look effortless, like Melanie Moore. I want people to look at me and see their faces go like this: 

o.O

Most importantly, I want to look at myself and do this.

:)

Maybe I should quit eating so much. Maybe I should run 10 miles a day. Maybe I should do sit ups every time I eat. Maybe I should sleep with beauty cream on my face. Maybe I should drink gross health shakes in the morning. I don't freaking know.

I want to make my parents proud. I want to be smart, I want to get straight A's like it's nothing. I want everything to come easy. I want to be a Sterling Scholar and get scholarships to schools all over the world. But at the same time, I don't. That's the life I feel like I SHOULD live, but it's not the one I'd be happy living. I just need to decide between the two: what would make me happy or what would make me look better.

I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe it's the loss of Devin. Or maybe it's this time of year, the time when my aunt passed. Trying to be who they want me to be, whoever that girl is. But what I do know is, I'm not who I MYSELF want to be. And that scares me a little bit. Not just because I'm not satisfied, but because I've been here before. I've been in this EXACT position. And I don't want to go back, but sometimes it's out of my control.

I have to change this. And I have to change it before it starts to really eat at me.

No pun intended.

Things Change As Seasons Change

I've never loved fall. I'm such a summer girl. Shorts, swim suits, tan skin, tank tops, light hair, gold eyes, no make up. Fall always kinda depresses me. School starts and my skin goes light again, I have to wake up early, and it gets so cold. So basically, I've never been a fan of autumn. But tonight was beautiful. I'm growing fond of driving around, cloudy skies, gorgeous sunsets surrounded by orange trees, and even some rain. I feel like every season brings back different memories.


Every summer in my childhood was some sort of adventure. I remember sitting on my swing set with Autumn Ivie in our swimsuits after running through sprinklers. We ate onion rings and Kool-Aid. Sometimes we would take my boombox outside on my driveway and do dances on my lawn for Brandon across the street. He was probably in high school and we were like 6. Haha that's so funny now that I think of it. I can still see us jammin' out to some real nice Aaron Carter or something. We were precious. The best summer memories were at the Pleasant Grove pool with my cousins, Chloe and Zoe. We were so funny. We would splash people and then jump under the water like they couldn't see us. After pool adventures, we would go to their house and play in the bath tub. We would pretend that we were at a hotel in a hot tub and put tons of bubbles in the tub. My aunt always had lilac bubble bath. I had really fun summers with those girls. I miss seeing them all. And I miss summer days at McDonald's with my aunt.


Fall was always the Halloween Parade in my neighborhood. I tried to win an award every year but someone always beat me. Chantel Miner always won the award for 'cutest costume', but she was a cat every year so that sort of pissed me off. No variety, no award, right?. Well I was always a rockstar or princess or something totally unoriginal. No wonder I didn't get any awards. I remember Autumn was a leaf one year, cause her name is Autumn. All the adults got the joke but I was just so lost. Of course, I pretended to understand the joke. The leaves were beautiful in Alpine around fall time. My favorite one was the one across the street in the Huggard's backyard. I would go take pictures of it, cause I thought I was some big shot photographer with my fake cell phone that took pictures. Get on my level, right? No. So lame Aly. I was always so bummed about fall though, cause that meant that it got dark quicker and it wasn't warm enough to meet Autumn at the park every night before and after dinner. Fall also meant basketball season starting, which meant no more daddy. No more playing baseball in the front yard, no more throwing the football at the park, no more watching ESPN with him late at night.


Winter. Winter in Alpine. So much snow is up there, it's ridiculous. It's beautiful at first, but then after the first week it turns into gross, brown slush that's not even fun to play in. Sledding is fabulous up there though. Sledding at Grandma Smith's was really fun. It was a really long, steep hill starting at the top of her driveway and going through to her backyard and then down to the bottom of their enormous lot. Halfway down, there was a huge rock wall. The kids didn't usually go down the hill by themselves because you had to steer away from the wall, or you'd be stone faced, quite self explanatory. The first time I went down by myself was a disaster. Let's be real, anything involving a steep hill, a rock wall, and needing common sense is NOT an activity for me. I started at the very top (which was also risky, cause it got icy up there) and started down the hill. It was fun, until the wall. That's the end of that story. Christmas day was always, well, like Christmas day. Grandma and Grandpa came to see our presents. I always wore my new cozy pajamas and we make yummy breakfast. Cinnamon sugar comes to mind. Then later, we'd all go to Grandma's and brag about the presents we got.


Spring always felt like a miracle, but it also felt like it took forever to come. The snow doesn't melt in the mountains until the middle of summer. But when spring FINALLY hits, the flowers in front of our cute little house would start coming up and my mom would get so excited. The whole city of Alpine smelled like smoke. Not like nasty smoker smoke, yummy smoke. Like bonfires and new beginnings. My little brother and I would go shoot hoops at the park across the street, and I'd go hit the volleyball around with my mom. It was finally warm enough to roll the windows down in the car, which I know my mommy hated (sorry girl).


So long story short, seasons change. It seems like just when you're getting to love a season, it changes. Kinda like life I guess. You get comfortable and then some sort of change hits. I've learned that this year. But sometimes the change is a good thing. In fact, the change is ALWAYS a good thing. At first it doesn't feel like it. It just feels like someone's messing with your happiness. Like your plans are being wrecked all together. But in the long run, that change really saves you. It brings you new memories. Not better memories, not worse ones. But new memories. Memories you'll never forget. But you have to know that one day those new memories won't be new anymore. They'll fade and new ones will come. But you'll always have the old ones to look back on. To me, that's the beauty of life. Some days are so boring, some days are so eventful. But it changes. And either way, you make memories. Only if you have the right attitude.

So buck up, kid... and make this life worth every single change.