this stupid game

Tonight, my dad's team lost in the first round of the WCC tournament.

Tonight, I was pissed off.

Tonight, I saw a tweet that said this:

 

"I'm sick of these rebuilding years at BYU. Why can't we just be good already?"

 

Wanna know what I'm sick of?

I'm sick of dealing with everybody's criticism towards my dad's team.

I'm sick of people claiming to feel such a "sting" after a loss, but they don't know how it is to have so much riding on a group of college boys and whether a ball goes in a hoop or not.
I'm sick of having to hold back funny quotes from Twitter when they include 'damn' or 'hell'. Cause heaven forbid I give our family a bad reputation for all the stupid BYU fans who follow me (there are like 5 of them, at the most).

I'm sick of feeling like I have to live up to this "coach's kid" standard, more so to this "BYU coach's kid" standard. Cause BYU sure is different than any other school. In a good way of course, but with that comes a tremendous amount of pressure.

I'm sick of people saying that we're such a bad team and that they're sick of these rebuilding years. WE MADE IT TO THE SWEET 16 JUST TWO YEARS AGO, PEOPLE. Our star player won the Nai Smith award 2 years ago! We had a player go to the NBA, JUST TWO YEARS AGO!! If these are rebuilding years, be grateful. For rebuilding years, we are a fantastic team. And our boys bust their butts trying to get the win for all of the fans. Be patient. Just. Be. Patient.

I'm sick of trying to find the fine line between being involved in basketball, and letting basketball run my life.

This whole lifestyle is stupid.

It's just a game, a stupid game that no one will really remember in 10 years. But at the end of it, this stupid game is what seems to control everything around me. Just two numbers on opposing sides of a giant sign. And the stupidest part about them, is that those two numbers can make or break me.

hold your tongue

silence is the only moment in which the air is clear.

the only time it's easy to breathe without choking on words.
all it takes is one mouth to be opened,

and suddenly...

the air is contaminated with words-

letters-

word and letters with meanings.

meanings they might mean;

meanings they might not.

either which way, this air can be poisonous

once we get a taste, it never leaves us.

like salt,

the taste remains in our mouths whether we want it or not.

nothing can completely wash it out.

only time,

and clear air;

silence.

but words don't seem to stop from pouring out.

silence doesn't seem to exist.

like a gutter in a storm,

it does not stop.

changes need to be made,

tongues need to be held.

taking back words is not merely possible,

nor is it enough.

there's still a dent in the atmosphere,

marking where those words poured out.

to silence the air, we must silence ourselves.

but none of us are willing.

apparently it's okay to stab someone with your words.

to take one sentence and cut so deeply,

so deeply that someone may give up.

is that really what you want?

every time you open your mouth,

THINK of your impact.

will you regret the words you let pour into the atmosphere?

cause they can't be put back into your mouth no matter how hard you try to push them.

|| useless ||

I'm in a rut.

A bad one.

And I'm really sick of being in it.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending every weekend with Kady. She's seriously the best friend I've ever had and I love every minute spent with her, no homo. But I'm really fed up with everything and everybody right now.

When I first moved here, I feel like people liked me. I think it was the whole new girl thing: a fresh face, a new person to get to know. I felt so important. I felt like my existence was acknowledged, and that people really did enjoy my company. But so much has changed. I don't think anyone cares to have me around anymore. And I wish I knew what I did to make things go sour. It was probably all the things I didn't do. I don't hang out in the courtyard after school, I don't put myself out there quite as much as some people do, I just don't really care that much. That's what it comes down to. I just don't care to go out of my way to impress people. I cared for too long back in Alpine. I cared so much that it took a huge toll on me. And when I moved here, I told myself I wouldn't let people's opinions get in the way of my own happiness. And this year, I haven't stressed out about impressing people, or being something I'm not. After losing my boy last year, I saw a side of life I hadn't seen before. I saw a deeper purpose in this life than the four years of hell that we call high school. I looked past these four years and what is to come after all of this dust settles. I have an angel to live for now. My #1 priority for the rest of my life is to live to please my boy while I'm still on this earth and he's up in the clouds. Call me crazy, but I don't think that worrying about other people's social lives is something that Devin is really pushin' for me to do here. I just know what I want after high school, I know where I want to be and I don't really care to dilly dally around about stupid, irrelevant things.

But still, I don't care how headstrong a person is, EVERYONE wants to feel like they're cared for. And I just don't. I'm sick of these people who put on a show for everyone. I just want to go on a long drive with someone special, and have a real, GENUINE conversation. I not only want to feel important, but I want to make someone else feel important. Cause feeling unimportant, it's the most lousy feeling in this whole entire world. No one deserves to feel it. It's terrible.

But, nevertheless, it's how I feel tonight.

I need somebody to reach out. Maybe I need to branch out. I just need something to make me feel like there IS someone, besides Kady, who wants me in their life. Cause right now, I just feel like a waste of space- and a useless one at that.