vent vent vent

These are the times when I'm so grateful for my blog and you readers whom most of you I do not know, because I can vent to you all without vocalizing my problems and sound like a whiney little brat.

There's a whole lot of ways that I could sum up my life at this moment. But I'm going to choose the easiest one. And it is this: I feel like complete shit.

Sorry not sorry. It's how I feel, and I've learned it's not healthy for me to hold in my feelings. Sometimes you just have to let it out and express your feelings raw, as they are (and in my case... via blog). So yes, everybody, I just feel like shit.

I feel like no one wants me around anymore. I feel like there's always somebody everyone wants more than me. I hate not being invited to things, I hate being left out, I hate trying so hard to be the best friend I can possibly be, but then being treated poorly during the times when I need true friends the most. I don't know where I've gone wrong. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and be done. Nothing is paying off anymore. Every day brings the same faces, the same names, the same feelings, the same disappointments, the same struggles, but different days on the calendar.

I hate being a pessimist. I hate it SO much and I feel like such a Debbie Downer right now. But I'm just being raw; honest. I hope none of you think I'm a negative little brat. I'm just trying to analyze, express and understand this crazy life I'm living.

Since I hate being negative, I'll try to end on a good note for y'all here. Bringing in my personal beliefs, I do know there's a God. Yes, even though I said a no-no word up there^^^^, I believe whole heartedly in a higher power. I wouldn't doubt it for my life. I know that He is guiding me, and no matter how lonely I am, He is always with me, along with my sweet boy Devin. They're cheering me on, they're on my side, and they see the eternal perspective. At the end of the day, that is what comforts me.

And with that, I bid you goodnight.

xx

gloomy day, gloomy mood

It's been overcast and rainy today. Fitting, to say the least, for my mood.

Everything and everyone has changed so much. So much has happened that has shaped me as a person, and made me grow immensely. I don't know when life got so complicated, but it did. And I miss the simple life. I just miss the way things used to be. I miss girls nights every night, I miss getting that great GPA without any major problems or roalocks, I miss the friends I had that I lost over stupid things and people who tried to sway me. I miss when Devin was still around. I always knew, no matter what, that there would always be that one friend who would love me ALWAYS. But he's not here now, and it makes me feel like I don't have that one person anymore; the one who I knew loved me through everything. I miss him terribly. I miss him more and more everyday, with each and every memory.

I'm sick of being second best in everything to everyone. I'm sick of coming after boyfriends, sports, work, other friends, popularity. I'm sick of stupid high school people trying to stick their noses in everyone else's business. I just want life back to the way it was before. I don't even know what event I'm referring to when I say, "before". I don't know what I'm saying right now, why I'm posting this nonsense. I just look back, and everything is always better in hindsight. Maybe one day I'll look back on where I am in life right now, and maybe I'll wish I was back here again. So I guess I better buck the freak up.

All I know is that I miss my best friends, I miss my Dev, I miss the times when I was doing everything right, when I could do something without disappointing people. And I miss being invincible.

blegh

I am home from school yet again. I'm feeling so yucky.

I went to Urgent Care last night because my lymph nodes were so swollen. I got some medication for my sore throat and swollen nodes, but my dizziness and headaches were unidentifiable. I got a blood test to see how my liver, kidneys, and white blood cells are doing. We get results this afternoon, so I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully it's nothing serious and we can figure out what's going on.

So while I do absolutely nothing on bed rest, I will be watching RedBoxes and drinking apple juice, because that's the only thing I can swallow and keep down.

This is my first movie of the day. The Vow. Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum; both of whom are pretty much perfect... And the movie is pretty much perfect until Rachel McAdams FORGETS WHO HER HUSBAND IS!

UM... WHAT?

I love this movie so much but it's so frustrating to me! It's like, dude! Remember your husband already! If I woke up and Channing Tatum said he was my husband, I would NOT question it. Ever.