solitude

Solitude is basically how I spent my weekend. It was really nice. There's been a lot on my mind and being alone has done some good for me. I'm really just so sick of everyone. I'm sick of mean girls, stupid boys, immature teenagers who think being mean to other people is okay. I'm sick of my mind racing everyday from one thing to another, keeping my anxiety levels at an all time high.
On Friday night, I got almost 11 hours of sleep. I left the Provo High football game early, picked up my brother from his friends and went straight to bed. I woke up Saturday, went to a yard sale, worked out, went home and took a 3 hour nap.
All I want to do lately is sleep.
It's so nice. My brain isn't awake to think myself into anxiety, I don't have to deal with anyone or anything. I'm just gone for a couple of hours. It's great. If I could sleep forever, I would. But unfortunately that's not going to happen.
Well folks, now that I've talked about sleeping, it sounds great. Goodnight y'all.

the impact of a poster

Today has been interesting.

I went to school which was... eh, school.

I went to lunch with my best friends which was great.

I went and hung out with a cute boy for a little while which was fabulous.

I curled my best friend's sister's hair for her engagement photos.

I went and watched them get their engagements done and dreamed about the day I found a boy who not only adores me, but who I will spend the rest of my life with.

But my mind has been racing all week. Thankfully, there have been lots of moments when I was having a great time and was very content. And I'm so grateful for those moments. I have my best friends to thank for them. But in the back of my mind has been one thing. It's been over 7 months since Brandon passed away.

I can't believe it's been that long already. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I'll never forget that feeling I had when I got that dreadful phone call. I can't stop thinking about him this week. It's been 7 months, I should have complete closure by now. But I don't. I can't get over the fact that for the last 7 months, he could have been around. He could have been with his friends having an amazing senior year. And I can't help but to feel guilt. EXTREME guilt, to the point of anxiety. I could have called him up out of the blue and asked how he was doing. I could have driven to Alpine and passed his house to see him skating, I could have gotten out of my car and talked to him. Maybe I could have even simply written on his Facebook wall. I could have made a difference. I should have. If someone would have done something, maybe he would still be here with us today. I could have been that someone. But I wasn't. No one was. And now he's gone. Maybe because he felt worthless, maybe because he gave up. And that's what kills me the most. We will never know why he decided to leave us. All I know is I wish I could have saved everyone the heartache, and more importantly, I wish I could have saved his beautiful, priceless life.

So in my week of endless guilt and wandering thoughts, I've had a poster hanging on my desk in my bedroom. At my church, when there is a girl who has a birthday month, they hang up a poster with the birthday girl's name on it and each girl in the group writes something to the birthday girl. I didn't think much of it when I received it on Sunday. But tonight, I came home and sat on my bed, my head spinning. Then I looked at the paper and read all the notes from the sweet girls. My feelings of guilt were completely washed away with feelings of love and appreciation. I'm so grateful for such sweet girls who make me feel like I'm worth the world. My paper is hung on my desk with some of the things that I love.

My lion pillow pet.

My teddy bear the hospital gave me on one of my many MANY visits.

My kitty cat stuffed animal that the hospital also gave me.

My straw fedora that I love.

"I love Aly! Her smile lights up the entire room. I love the way that she doesn't care what people think about her. Her voice is amazing and she is just so wonderful."

"Aly! I love you. You are so funny and I love how you are yourself. I also love how you love cats so much. It makes me laugh."

"I love you Aly! You are so much fun to be with and just so full of energy all the time. I love you talking to you about boys or anything really. You have a gorgeous voice and an insane talent for writing music. I just really like you, a lot. You are absolutely stunning. I love you!!"

Reading these messages made my week. Despite my difficult week, despite my inner battles and trying to forgive myself for such a heavy burden, I can still manage to go to bed extremely grateful. Why? Because I have great friends. I have an amazing family. I am so blessed and so loved. Tomorrow is Friday. And I know that the last 7 months have been absolute paradise for Brandon, even though they've been everything but paradise for me.

Hopefully this positive mindset sticks. And this post is turning into overanalyzing, which we all know is never good for me. Just one of those things you need to get off your chest, and it's easy to do over a blog with readers you don't even know. :)

 Anywho, I have lots of crazy things to tell you all tomorrow.

But until then, SWEET DREAMS MY DARLINGS.

my little angel ♡

As I drove to school yesterday, I turned on the radio in hopes that it would be ANYTHING but Pitbull. The radio DJ announced a new song by Taylor Swift called Ronan. It sounded interesting, so I listened to it. One verse into the song, I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Yesterday was September 10th.

Not a very significant day for most of you, I'm sure. But it was for me.

One year ago from yesterday was Devin's last birthday here on this earth. I can't believe it's been almost a year already. I miss him so much, it's indescribable. I can't believe he would have been 16 already. He never seemed that old to me. To me, he was always the sweet, innocent little boy he was in elementary school. Never any older.

For everyone who hasn't read my earlier posts about Dev, he was one of the greatest friends I ever had. He developed a brain tumor at 2 years old and had surgery which caused him to be blind his whole life. My seventh grade year, he was diagnosed with cancer again- this time, in his bones. He fought so hard. Watching him every day taught me more than he ever knew. I loved the way he knew who I was by the sound of my voice. I loved walking him to lunch. I loved teaching him how to play the recess games in grade school. I loved putting my hands on his, showing him the movements of shooting a basketball. I loved his laugh; everything was funny. He lit up my life every day that I had the blessing to be with him.

On November 19th, 2011, Devin's life ended. I was heartbroken. It absolutely tore me to pieces. For weeks, I couldn't get through a few hours without a breakdown. We had anticipated his death for years, he had been sick for so long. But somehow, it still took me months to come to terms with the fact that Devin was really gone. Even now as I type this, tears keep falling on the keyboard. But I realized that even though that sweet boy deserved none of the trials God gave him, he fought through. God gave him tribulation because He knew that if anyone could push through, it was Devin. I'm so grateful I can look back and rejoice this darling boy's life. It was a short, fragile life, but it was beautiful. It was innocent.

So yesterday, in honor of Dev, I had cake. We sang happy birthday to him and blew kisses up towards the sky. I would have loved to see him turn 16, but I know how much happier he is now. It would be awful of me to wish him back here in the form that he was. I know he's so happy now.

Heaven must be a beautiful place; wherever it is, whoever is there. It's got to be just wonderful. And Devin must be the happiest little boy.

Dev,

I love you more than words can even say. I would give anything to see you again, to put a plastic school fork to your lips and feed you, to place my hands on yours and shoot a basket. I miss your fuzzy red sweater. I miss sitting on the parade route at Alpine Days and gathering candy for you. I miss everything about you. I miss you so much. There's never a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind. But I am so grateful that you are at ease. I thank God every day that He placed you in my life. Thank you for the countless lessons you taught me. I will never forget you.

I love you forever, my little angel.

♡♡♡♡♡

♡♡♡♡♡

Here is the song I heard on the radio yesterday morning. Beware: it's a tear jerker.