A Guitar And A Sad Song

Tonight I went on a drive. I listened to the country station. I don't know what it is about country music lately. Maybe it's the fact that it always reminds me of her. Almost 4 years now, that's freaking crazy. Sometimes it's still weird that she's not here. I mean, I'm used to it. But I'm still not content with it. I'm not content with anyone dying at an early age, whether it be natural causes or a substance abuse issue like in this case. Maybe it's because country music soothes me. Yeah, that's it. It soothes me. It represents a simple life. A life when a beer in one hand and a guitar in the other is just enough anyone ever needs. My life will never be that simple. Not in my wildest dreams.

I went to The Malt Shoppe today with a couple of girls. They all got shakes. I ordered fries. I kinda just looked at the fries at first. Picked one up, circled it around like a pen on the tray. Writing my name in grease. Then I looked up at the other girls. They were conversing as usual. I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to be different. I don't like to complain much, because it's not a big deal. I don't have rashes all over my body (usually), I don't have seizures, I don't have cancer. But I'm not normal. I'm just not. There is NO way around it, no matter how badly I wish there was. By the end of dinner, I had eaten my fries. Only because another girl had paid for them. I wish I stayed home tonight. I went home and I cried.

I was talking to my fitness teacher about my health issues. A girl butted in and started going on and on about how my life sucks, and if she were me she would rather commit suicide than be in my position. Isn't it enough, I thought, for me to go through this as a personal struggle? Why do people have to make it a bigger deal than it is? I guess that's what I get for trying to suck it up and be open to people about this. I went home and I cried.

I went home for lunch today. My friends went somewhere to eat. Somewhere I couldn't eat. I wasn't bothered by it at all. I have the best friends ever, and they were willing to go somewhere else for me. But I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to bring attention to this stupid disease. I didn't want this to be causing other people restrictions. I'm not letting this disease ruin other people's lives. One life is enough. I got in my car and cried on the way to my house to eat a bag of Skittles.

I opened my drawers to get dressed this morning. My PKU Awareness shirt was sitting on top. It's so dang cute. 'PKU Awareness' printed across it in pink, bold lettering. And a cartoon of stick figures all holding hands. I wanted to wear it so bad. But then again, I'd rather die than wear that shirt to school. I'd be the only one in the school who had that shirt, maybe even the only one who knew what PKU Awareness was for. I have extra awareness shirts. Maybe I'll give them out, I thought. Then I laughed. Who was I kidding? No one would ever want to wear a shirt advertising awareness for my misery.

I wish I could give up. Honestly, I wish I could throw in the towel and say, Screw it I'm done with trying. But I really can't. I can NOT risk my life. I don't have the guts. And I don't want to live my life as a mentally retarded girl. But then again, I don't wanna live my life like this. Maybe I don't want to live this life at all.

Tonight I'm going to wear my PKU Awareness shirt to bed. That way, I know I'm still holding on. It's by a thread, but at least I'm holding on. Oh how badly I wish I could wear it to school, give the extra shirts out to people for them to wear too, make myself feel less hidden away. Make me feel like I'm NOT constantly trying to hide something from people. 

So here I sit, watching the Country Music Awards, wishing I could sit on a stool with a guitar in hand and sing a sad song.

But I don't think I have the motivation to do even that at this point.

Good night bloggers.

Gossip Gossip, Ladies Please Just Stop It

I've always been a social butterfly. From the time I was little and saying "Hiiiiii" to everyone, I have always loved people and interacting with them.

But as time went on, it became harder to make friends. With girls, especially. They become so mean. Some turn mean in high school, but some turn mean in junior high. Even in elementary school there were girls who were becoming the stereotypical mean girl in high school. I don't understand it. Why do girls put other girls down all the time? Why do they always have to be better than the other? Why are they so desperate to have the best and be the best? And the number 1 question that comes into my head about girls, why are they so willing to risk a friendship with one of their girls to have something they want? Well, I think I've figured it out. At least a couple of reasons

Jealousy.

Girls cant watch other girls have something they don't. It's not okay with them. They want to be on top of the food chain, above everyone else in everything. And when they see someone who has a better chance at perfection, they do everything they can to destroy that. Which is stupid.

Insecurity.
Lots of girls are insecure. Who can blame them? It's so hard to be happy about yourself with media and high set expectations for girls today. But at the same time, it's really not that hard. You just have to love who you are and what you stand for, rather than what you have and what you can do. When girls are insecure, they try to bring others down so they feel more superior to them. It's selfish, that's all there is to it. Selfish. Greedy. Girls.

Boys.

Ah man. Boys suck. They're yucky. But girls like them, naturally. THAT is called estrogen. And THAT is a discussion for you to have with your mum's later (if you don't already know about that, I'd suggest talking to your mum's sooner than later. Jus sayin). Every girl wants the best boy out there. Every girl has different taste, but let's face it. There's always that one guy in school that every girl would go to the ends of the universe AND back to get. It gets catty when girls are crushin' on the same guys. Catty catty catty, my friends.

Clearly, girls are just dramatic. And it's been quite the adventure for me trying to find some solid friends. I've met the fakes, I've met the materialistics, I've met the selfish, I've met the backstabbers. Hey, I feel like I've met them all. And now I've finally found them. The best friends I've ever had.

I lied in bed last night in awe. Really, it's unbelievable to me. All this time I was selling myself short. I was just believing that real true friends didn't exist. Sure, it was a nice thing to think about, but I really didn't think there were friends like this in the world. Little did I know, they lived only 20 miles away from me in a college town I had been to numerous times.

Arrie Hernandez and Courtney Diamond.

Hands down, some of the best friends I've ever had. They don't talk smack on me behind my back. They don't talk smack IN FRONT OF MY FACE. They don't try to be better than me. They don't lie to me. They don't care about that stuff. They just love me for me and want to have a good dandy time with us girls. And that's what I've needed this whole time.

You two are the best friends I could ever ask for. You've given me the funnest experiences I can ever remember and I can't even imagine the fun we have to come. I really do love you girls so much. Thanks for being the answers to my prayers. I hope I can give you girls everything you've given me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

<3

 

 

A Sluff Worth While

Yesterday I sluffed 5th period. Bad Aly, bad! Nah. Not really. I went with my dad to see Thomas S. Monson, president of the LDS church, speak at a BYU devotional. It may have been the most eye opening experience I've had in a really long time. I went into the Marriott Center with a not so great attitude. To be honest, I don't like going to religious things. I love religion and think it's absolutely beautiful that we can all have different beliefs about this life, prior lies and even later ones. But sometimes I feel like it's misinterpreted, people take it in the wrong ways. So I will admit, I wasn't too happy to be there, but I was out of 5th period psychology so THAT was a bonus.

I sat at the very top of the arena with my dad. I scooted away from him, he scooted toward me and put his arm around me. He told me he loved me. I stayed silent. My mind raced at the speed of light, but at the same time, it was completely emotionless. It was a weird feeling. A feeling I've never had before. I watched college students alike shuffle into the arena. Tall kids, short kids, black kids, white kids, kids in wheelchairs, kids using sign language- THAT was amazing. Every kind of ethnicity and ability you can think of, it felt like I saw at least one of each. It seemed like a million people in that room; just to see one old man talk about religion.

An old guy started playing the organ. I laughed at him a little bit inside. He was brittle, his hair looked like a thin layer of straw on top of his head. The music was pretty, though. People were quiet, but still there was a wave of side conversations being held in whispered tones throughout the 22,700 occupied seats in the arena. I put my head down. Thinking, of course. I'm always thinking. Thinking about these people. They all have smiles on their faces, they all know for themselves who they are and where they're going, they all know the purpose of life. Then the whispered conversations ended, and the sound of denim rubbing together filled the audience. People were slowly standing up. Some people cried. I looked down what seemed to be a million miles down to the stage. President Monson walked up onto the stand. It was quiet, despite the hymns being played by the man with silly hair and bony structure.

President Monson spoke. He was funny, I giggled a couple of times even though I thought I didn't want to be there. That feeling did wear off. Throughout his talk, I really just watched the people in that huge arena.

I watched the cute couple next to me, who looked to be newly weds. They loved each other and believe they will be together forever. That made me smile.

I watched the group of guys, who looked to be macho men.

They weren't too cool to be at a religious event.

That made me smile.

I looked at the group of deaf students at the bottom, signing the hymns sung.

They weren't playing their 'pity me' card.
That made me smile.

I did pay attention to some of President Monson's talk, though. Coincidentally enough, he talked about how young adult should try to find out their beliefs for themselves; that living off of other people's testimonies in their churches wasn't always going to be good enough. They needed to know what they believed in.

I think I know now.

I believe in what makes me happy.

It's that easy. Religion doesn't need to be rules and books and doctrine. Sure, that's nice. But isn't religion supposed to bring happiness? Making people happy brings me happiness. Telling the truth brings me happiness. Being my best self brings me happiness. Respecting EVERYONE brings me happiness.

That's what I believe in.

Being a good person, trying your best to please God in every way possible. Because there IS a God. There's no way this beautiful world could have been made without God's hand, and we see God's hand in all things. So give back... not just by being a cookie cutter, church going, scripture reading, person. But by being a good person with a gentle heart, being open and inviting to other people, serving people who need it AND people who don't. Make people happy, and you'll make yourself happy.

So no, I may not be into completely organized religion. I may not believe in what everyone else does, that's not the point of individuality and religion. It was there all along, but it took me an arena full of college kids, an old man from Salt Lake City, and a brittle man playing an organ to see that. But I can 110% honestly say that I'm happy with the things I believe in now. And that's the point of life, isn't it? Be happy, make others happy with you, and NEVER forget,

God is good.